Every Season Under Heaven

VISIT ME AT TiffanyCrawford.org

2010-12-06T07:54:00.002-06:00

What Jesus has to say about Seeds.

2010-06-08T07:56:00.000-05:00

As they went from town to town, a lot of people joined in and traveled along. He addressed them, using this story: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. Some of it fell on the road; it was tramped down and the birds ate it. Other seed fell in the gravel; it sprouted, but withered because it didn't have good roots. Other seed fell in the weeds; the weeds grew with it and strangled it. Other seed fell in rich earth and produced a bumper crop.

"Are you listening to this? Really listening?"

His disciples asked, "Why did you tell this story?"

He said, "You've been given insight into God's kingdom—you know how it works. There are others who need stories. But even with stories some of them aren't going to get it:

Their eyes are open but don't see a thing,

Their ears are open but don't hear a thing.

"This story is about some of those people. The seed is the Word of God. The seeds on the road are those who hear the Word, but no sooner do they hear it than the Devil snatches it from them so they won't believe and be saved.

"The seeds in the gravel are those who hear with enthusiasm, but the enthusiasm doesn't go very deep. It's only another fad, and the moment there's trouble it's gone.

"And the seed that fell in the weeds—well, these are the ones who hear, but then the seed is crowded out and nothing comes of it as they go about their lives worrying about tomorrow, making money, and having fun.

"But the seed in the good earth—these are the good-hearts who seize the Word and hold on no matter what, sticking with it until there's a harvest.

I'll Take That Seed, Thank You.

2010-06-02T09:42:00.000-05:00

As I pondered God's protective covering over my lilfe, I became acutely aware of how often I take this role from him. Much like a bird snatches seed, I snatch God's job as my protector right out of his hands. And then more often than not, I blame HIM when I get hurt.

As a counselor and wounded child of God myself, I've learned more than I'd like to know about Self-Protection. We fear where God will plant us. We fear where we might grow. We fear. Instead of settling into the seed of Christ, we attempt to protect ourselves. And that false sense of security, most often does not completely block the elements of the wind, the rain, the sun. And even more often, can do more damage than good.

I've heard some counselors encourage people in their self-protection. We all have our protective measures--ways we secure ourselves from hurtful people, situations, and past wounds. It's a natural reaction of the human nature--but so is sin. Don't get me wrong. There are logical choices we must make when we've been hurt by our mothers, abandoned by our fathers, or abused by our spouses. We must set certain boundaries to ensure we are honoring that in which God honors--US.

When I speak of self-protection, I speak of unhealthy behaviors that become almost idolatrous, for we depend on them to take care of us more than we depend on Christ.

Hiding behind our children because we fear interaction with others.
Shopping and spending.
Dishonesty.
Unhealthy co-dependant relationships.
Masking the truth of who you are or what you've done.
Constantly serving others and never receiving.
Sarcasm.
Rejecting others before they can reject you.
Alcoholism.
Gambling.
Sex.
Facebook.
These and so many more.

All the ways of self-protecting seem logical, seem helpful, seem right. But all of them are ways that each of us concoct to aid a much deeper hurt or issue that only God can truly help us with. When we choose to allow God to be our protective covering, we allow ourselves more vulnerabilty which is definitely suffering for me--and with vulnerability comes growth. And with growth comes maturity--and hope.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:2-4

But this hope that comes, comes only of the glory of God--through Him, by Him, for Him. Your self-protective ways willl not produce the hope we need for the healing we need. For it's through God's Hope and his glorious work on the cross that we can truly be healed of all the hurts we attempt to protect ourselves from.

I encourage you this day to rest in the seed of God's protection, casting aside your finite ways of protecting your heart from the hurts of this world. It is only through that will you find the eternal healing you are searching for.

Seeds of Protection

2010-06-01T08:57:00.002-05:00

The seed is much more than something that is planted. It’s much more than a small start in a big world. Being the master craftsman that God is, the seed is really a protective covering. The “seed” protects the fragile plant that lives inside. The seeds primary job is to protect and nourish.

In this way, we gain a new perspective on the Seed of Christ. He is our protector, our nourisher. He covers the fragile soul that lives inside. He takes care of what is important…important to Him.

As a child of God, you are marked as a forever living Seed of the Holy Father. You are encased in the inpenetratable shell of God Himself.

“For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.” I Peter 1:23

The thought alone of being contained makes me claustrophobic both physically and spiritually. I’m sort of a rebellious spirit. I want to look at things differently, try things in a new way, and definitely live outside of the box, er, the seed. In the past, to think that I’m encased by God is to think I’m limited and am only able to respond to the string He decides to pull that day. But to be encased is not to be enclosed.

To enclose means to confine, and God is not a God that seeks to confine us. Instead, under his protection we are free to explore, search out and discover new things about ourselves and this life. Because he protects and nourishes us, we are able to find comfort and safety in His presence.

Yet it is only though His Word that we can find this Seed Promise. In the “living and enduring word of God” we are shielded from the wind and rain. We are sheltered from any storm, we are saved from any harm that the Earth would seek to destroy us with. With Christ and His Word as our Seed covering, we become relentlessly able to dare to accomplish anything great and big in this small and insignificant world.

Let the safeguard of the Word of God give you the confidence to rest in the Seed of Christ.

HOW TO BE A TREE: Seeds

2010-05-26T08:03:00.000-05:00

Seeds. Seeds. Seeds. It’s where it all starts. Trees have a beginning much like we do. Their seeds are scattered, thrown into the wind, attached to the fur of an animal, planted by a caring farmer in the tilled soil. They start small, too. Even the biggest and greatest of the trees, start without any voice regarding their environment or their ultimate purpose.

Certainly, trees don’t have as great of a purpose as we do, but nonetheless a purpose. I imagine the first trees created by the Master Sculptor knew the privilege of where they were planted. The Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life, in the Garden of Eden had a high purpose, and had the power to change the world, and that it did.

“The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed. And out of the ground the LORD God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Gen 2:8-9

God placed the very first reflection of His love, the man, right in the center of trees. Trees planted for beauty and purpose. He entrusted a tree with life and knowledge. The seed of God in man, and the seed of life in a tree, cohabitating amidst God’s beauty. A small humble beginning, with great significance.

We all start small. As tiny little seeds, we are planted, fertilized and grown. Some would say science, I would say God. He plants us. He throws the seed where it should root. The beginnings of our lives are no accident. They are carefully and meticulously planted right where God sees fit for our best growth and potential according to His plan.

For those of us with struggling childhoods, this doesn’t make much sense; especially considering we don’t have any say so in where we land. Like any plant or tree, we don’t have the capability to seek out and find the conditions in which we think we would grow and prosper. I landed in a family full of love, but without a father. I grew up with my grandmother as my caretaker because my single mom worked and dealt with the realizations of her own beginnings. I was planted in Texas, amongst mesquite trees, thistles, alcoholism and secrets. It was my small start.

One of my greatest blessings was to regularly attend church because I had a Godmother who took her title VERY seriously. I had a grandmother who loved to be at church with to see what all the other church ladies were up to. She especially loved it when we sang How Great Thou Art out of the old musty green hymnals. I attended Sunday School every week, even if my mom wasn’t going to make it to church. Most often I was the only one in my class. That’s how my spiritual seeds were planted.

I was always in a state of daydream and wonder about my dad, and frustration with the constant upheaval my life seemed to swim in. I lived in a state of fear and confusion, and those emotional seeds carried with me through adulthood.

The holy seeds sown by God for good, and the destructive seeds planted by the world collide and create the beautiful mess you call your life. And those seeds cannot be ignored. Because to ignore the seed is to ignore the very core of who you are and why you exist.

HOW TO BE A TREE: Introduction

2010-05-24T16:46:00.000-05:00

All of nature speaks to me. I feel the most connected to God when I'm surrounded by His creation--the ocean, the valleys, the mountains, people. A few months ago I was taking a walk around the neighborhood. It was the end of whatever we call Fall in Florida, and the air was cool, and the trees were bending in response to the gentle breeze. Every yard, a different tree leaning toward the ground, but fighting for the sky.

As I walked and considered the plethora of struggling trees, I noticed the blades of grass, the flowers, even the weeds, all desiring closeness to their Creator. Defying the soil they were planted in, the weather conditions and gravity, they all were growing up, toward the very source of their life.

Each tree in its uniqueness has a lesson that will grow us closer to our God. Every branch, leaf and root tells us a story, speaking directly to our circumstances and situations. All of God’s creation has something to show us beyond our finite way of reasoning.

God knew that a tree would teach us something. In the very beginning God created the trees that bore fruit and seed. And when he was done, He proclaimed the goodness of his creation. He gave us the power over them: To benefit from their labor and partake in their fruit, to cut them down, to uproot and replant them, to ignore them, to breed them, to learn from them.

He knew a simple tree and its fruit had the power and strength to hold the complete knowledge of both good and evil. He also knew that our heart would desire to know everything. Perhaps their still remains a knowledge of this good and this evil—a wisdom that only can be found in a tree.

So I will begin this journey with you, in hopes of discovering what it means to be a tree. I also pray that you can learn how to be a tree. Not a desire to be all-knowing, but to live in complete obedience to your Maker, growing in defiance of all circumstances and conditions. In utter worship and dependence on the Creator, learn How to Be a Tree.

Beep THIS!

2010-05-19T17:48:00.000-05:00

Michael (my sweet husband) calls me every few days. He's overseas protecting my freedom to say what I want to say on the internet! He was calling me from a cellphone he bought when he first got there, but the bills quickly added up. We didn't talk for 20 minutes, we talked for $60. Needless to say...

Now he hikes a mile to the phone center, stands in line for up to an hour most times, and then sits and chats with me for twenty minutes. Yah--I know we could Skype, but Michael does not have a laptop. He wants one, but won't let me buy him one--and he has a strict $11 budget for himself. He will NOT spend more than $11 on anything he buys for himself--shirts, shoes, jeans... all of it has to be $11. I've told him in these tough economic times he should really think of increasing that to $13. But even for $13--you can't find a laptop.

So we chat, quickly. How's everything? I love you! I miss you! I'm ready to get out of here! I'm ready for you to be home. How are the kids? Are you taking care of yourself? How are you feeling? Are you REALLY doing okay? Please pray for me, it's really hard right now. I feel like I'm under serious attack. I am being attacked ever hour. I'm on lockdown. I feel locked down. And then....

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Times up. One minute warning. Quick I loves you's and goodbyes. I'll call you around 10 tonight if nothing is going on. I love you's again. Sometimes a goodbye--sometimes the phone just goes dead.

Today after my too short phone conversation with my husband I thought how amazing it is that we don't have time constraints with God. But how sad it is that we spend our lives imposing our own limitations on the conversations we have with Him.

We don't pray in the morning, because we would rather hit snooze and sleep an extra nine minutes.
We don't pray with our wife because the game is on, and it's the playoffs.
We don't pray with our husband because after dinner and kids, we just want to take our shower.
We don't pray with our children because we are soooo ready for them to just be quiet and go to sleep.
We don't pray at lunch, because people are watching.

We pray briefly in church, but the next service is starting soon and we have to get the move one.
We pray briefly at dinner saying thanks for our food.
We pray briefly with our friends, if at all, because we don't spend much time with them anyhow.
We pray briefly in Bible Study because the kids have a bed time.
We pray briefly during the day, in passing, when we really have needs or, more importantly, wants.

God never "Beeps" us. He never says: Sorry Times Up! His commitment is to take care and love EVERY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, and he still never "Beeps" us. Maybe he should?!

Before Michael left, I confess I took for granted the freedom of my friendship with Him. I could talk to him whenever I wanted, about whatever I wanted and for as long as I wanted. Same as with God. But now that I have limits on talking to Michael--and truly never know when I will be able to again--I make my conversation meaningful and purposeful. The words from my mouth are never blaming or angry, I seek to uplift him and encourage him. I try my hardest to deal with our issues objectively without conflict, seeking his wisdom and advice. I don't criticize. I express my gratitude and love. I ask for his help when I need to, but most of all I just enjoy hearing his voice and spending time in the little "presence" I have of him.

Perhaps we need this from God. Perhaps our priorities would change if we knew that we didn't have much time....

But wait--

We don't! We don't have much time. We don't have forever. There WILL be a time when we hear Beep Beep Beep and then nothingness. But it won't be on a telephone line, it will be the beating of our hearts.

Treat you time with God as precious. Cherish your moments as few. Don't blame Him or be angry with Him, instead, Praise Him, Worship him. Look at your life objectively, and seek His wisdom for understanding. And when he gives you direction, don't criticize. Express your gratitude to Him and your Love for Him, and know that he's always their to help you when you need it. But most of all just enjoy speaking to Him and being in his presence!

Ohhh POETRY How I love you....

2010-05-18T08:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes
Sheenagh Pugh

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost, green thrives, the crops don't fail,
sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war,
elect an honest man, decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss, sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.

Comfort with Jesus.

2010-05-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

I love to sleep in my husband's tshirts! Specifically his white undershirts!! They are huge on me, and soft and don't get all scrunched up under you when you are sleeping. I wear them everynight, and when he's home, he's always searching in MY dresser for HIS t-shirts. I love them. Especially with him gone, I feel a little closer to him. I hate sleep without him, but I am always sleeping in his tshirts.

He saw a picture of me on facebook in ~~his shirt~~ my jammies. He wants to know if he gets them back in December....ummm NO!

I started thinking about him how significant it is to draw close when we feel distant. I wondered if there was anything I do to find a closeness with Jesus, particularly when he seems so far away. I couldn't think of anything really. I read my Bible, but that doesn't always work. The words often seem one dimensional and I find myself even reading the same verse over and over, not even understanding what I just read. I pray, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just talking to myself (even though I know I'm not)--well I do talk to myself, but not in prayer.

The times I've fasted I've reinvigorated my passion and love for Jesus, that I thought was long gone. I hate to fast, it's not as comfortable as a white Hanes T. So I don't know if I have a comfort spot with Jesus, one that makes me feel safe, and home and close to him. But in comparison with my relationship with my husband, I feel like I should have one.

Do you? What's yours??

Jump In The Boat

2010-05-11T09:36:00.002-05:00

Ever feel like this little penguin? You are being chased in circles, The Enemy is waiting for the most opportune time to pounce on you and devour you. Orcas are even known to play with their food--throwing their latest victim back and forth to each other. The Enemy likes to play with us to. Ever felt played with?
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I Peter 5:8

Then, right on time as always, God provides a way out. God always provides a way.
"Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— 13for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. 14Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.

18Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

20The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 5:12-22

Even if The Enemy is still circling, HE is your safe landing. HE is the answer. For every plan of destruction concocted by the enemy, God has a counter move to protect you.
"Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life..." John 14:6

Do you need a boat to jump into??

Thunder Storms of Peace

2010-05-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

This is miraculous!! I'm at the end of week 2 of walking in the evening. Why such a miracle?! A few months ago I had a back injury and I could barely walk for weeks. It killed me. Not only because I'm a control freak and I couldn't do much, but because my thighs got thunderous. And well, I'm not sleeping well. I need rest in order to function, and I'm not getting rest.

A few nights ago, my walking buddy opted to snuggle on the cough with her man--and I don't blame her, I doubt I would walk much if I could snuggle with my man. But I was determined, so I threw in my ipod buds, tied my laces, and off I tread into the evening with a 40% chance of rain ahead.

The clouds were heavy and gray. You could feel it in the air. As I walked, I was struck with stillness. Everything was completely and utterly still-the water filled clouds, the palm trees, the water in the lake, the neighbors, no traffic. Total stillness.

Immediately I see Ms. Cora's sweet face and hear her sweet voice calming my spirit in one off the most difficult times of my life, "Tiffany, Be still and know that HE is God." Over and over she would say this to me. Calmness. I felt God saying those words to me in that very moment. Be still.

Ummmmm, but I'm walking?! I immediately felt the humidity take over my body. The moment I argued with God, I felt every physical limitation in me. My legs were hurting, I was sweating (I HATE to sweat). And as I rounded the corner, I could see my house, and I was so incredibly tempted to cut my walk short. I was swimming in quick sand, and as I thought of walking through my door and feeling the 70 degree air conditioned living room, I was almost sold.

Then he spoke to me again, "As you are moving forward in the everyday-ness of life, be still in your Spirit and know that I am God."

I looked around again. The trees obeyed, the clouds obeyed, the wind obeyed. At his command they were still. For they knew that God was preparing a storm. They knew that He was at work doing something bigger and grander, and that their part was stillness.

Be still and know that I am God.

In difficult times, we can move forward in our lives. We can do the dishes, feed the kids, make the beds, pay the bills. We don't have to be crippled by our circumstances. What enables us to do the daily tasks is the confidence that if we obey and be still in our spirits, that God is God. And in his holiness, he is preparing a storm of mercy, grace and love to rain on us.

These are the times that we stand in awe of his majesty. In the difficult times we can see God as King in our lives and wait for it. Wait for the storm of all storms. We know what this means in Tampa--Tampa literally means Lightening. We have some of the most terrifying, beautiful lightening storms ever. They are a reflection of God's glory and power, and surprisingly I find peace in them.

We can all find peace in God amidst our Storms...Peace knowing that HE IS GOD!

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

A Step in the Right Direction.

2010-05-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

I continously commit to posting daily blog only to find myself allowing another day to go by without my fingers pounding the keyboard. Thoughts race through my head--funny thoughts( I am a very funny person), wise thoughts, discerning thoughts. I see myself writing them. I even hear you reading back each and every entry. I plan to write, I think to write, I desire to write and then--fizzle. I am my own worst enemy.

Up against every quip and commentary is the deceptively sweet voice that speaks to me. She lives in the warzone of my mind. She tells me that I can't and shouldn't. She throws a bucket of fear on my burning passion to write. She drenches my desire instead of quenching it. She tells me that nothing I think matters and convinces me that no one cares. I believe her. At times, she takes over and speaks these things out of my mouth. I am my own worst enemy.

Since I was a little girl, I dreamt of being a writer. It was one of the only things in school that could hold my attention, well besides boys, of course. I made excuses. I work too much, I'm in ministry, I'm a mom. I made inner vows. If I had the time. If I could just stay home. I have the time. I stay home. Yet, I do not write. I am my own worst enemy.

My husband is the greatest encourager. He pushes me to accomplish what I perceive as the impossible. If I share a struggle with him, a thought or just an idea, he pushes me into action. He doesn't just say, "There, there" to my struggles. He doesn't just say, "Cool baby, that's sounds awesome." He asks, "What are you going to do what that?" or "How are you going to make it happen?" He challenges me me when I find that I'm incapable of challenging myself. Instead, I do the dishes--again, I watch The Office (it's sooo freekin' funny), I play on Facebook (because I REALLY need to know that you are going to the gym). I avoid. I am my own worst enemy.

My hearts desire, my passion and the gift I've been graced with are at war with me. I am my own worst enemy.

But Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided aginst itself will not stand." Matthew 12:25

Triumph is Impossible

2010-03-21T18:48:00.000-05:00

I love watching movies about the tragedy in people's lives. My mom would ask me, "Why in the world would you watch that movie?! That's a terrible movie!" The more tragic the story line, the more I sit and hang on to every single word. And when it reaches the end, and I wipe the tears, I grab me another cup of hot tea and comtemplate watching it all over again.

Sick and twisted, perhaps. To wallow in someones horrific life--and then to find some excitement and joy in it. So much so, to relive it--over and over and over again. Sick. Sick Sick.

But to me, stories of tragedy are stories of a beautiful journey. A journey in life, through life, about life. A journey that is unique, as unique as the indvidual that travels it. How amazing that each of us has our own story.

I often ask people, "So what's your story?" and I get the ins and outs of yearly travels and job opportunities. But the few brave will go beyond the Table of Contents of their lives and tell me their tragedy.

I embrace each moment of sadness, every fear submitted to. I feel it. I'm there with them. In the movies, in the conversations, my heart breaks, I cry real tears, with real emotion. God has blessed me, or cursed me, with tremendous empathy for people in their unforseen circumstances. And as I watch them retell the stories of their lives, I witness the transformation of their spirits. I see their growth living along side uncertain immaturaties with every dictated word.

I hold tight to that one defining moment where they either turn back, or take a step forward. My heart races as I go along with them on their journey from tragedy to triumph. And in that beautiful moment, where they leap with faith, I experience their joy. And that joy is what hooks me. Every. Single. Time. I can take the horrible, life sucking pieces of this world, as long as their is hope for a triumphant joy in the end.

And their is always Triumphant Joy. Even if it is unrealized, unspoken, unacknowledged--in Christ Jesus, there is Triumphant Joy. Hope Remains. I hear it in their voices, I see it in their eyes, there was Hope that got them through the valley. And as they live and breathe to tell about it--whether it be divorce, death, abuse, victimization, or the inability to truly find themselves--to them, it's tragedy. I love tragedy. For triumph is impossible without it!

I'm Different Than You

2010-03-15T12:44:00.000-05:00

Yah yah yah! We learned this in school growing up. Our guidance counselor would come in the classroom once a month and tell us that we are Unique. Everyone say it with me, "You-neeee KE" Yup. One of a kind.

I always knew I was unique, but never thought it was in a good way. Most of my childhood I felt like an outcast, the girl with one step away from the "Cool Kids" circle. Every other girl was prettier, had a better family and definitely could have a boyfriend if they wanted to.

I lived most of my life in a state of confusion, wondering if I would ever be enough. Wondering why I couldn't be like everybody else. This didn't change much into my teenage years or into adulthood. Even though I sorta found a place in highschool, deep down I knew I wasn't like everybody else. I was a horrible person to my core, I did horrible things and wanted the impossible--to be rescued from this life.

A few days ago, this struggle of mine slapped me right back in the face. I was driving, thinking,
"Why can't I get more things accomplished?"
"Why can't I feel better?"
"Why don't I have a perfect house?"
"Why can't my kids do what I ask, after all I do specialize in children's behavior issues?"
"Why can't I have more friends?"
"Why is my life such a constant challenge?"
"Why am I always so tired?"

God spoke directly to me and said< 'TJ, you're not like everyone else."

For once I got it. I'm not like everyone else, yet I spend my life comparing myself to other women, envying those mom's who have Superhuman strength and energy, wanting to be a tad OCD so my house would stay organized. I'm not like everyone else in my health, that's for sure. With fibromyalgia, I struggle with daily pain and sleep deprivation. When my stress levels get too high, I suffer for it physically. Today is a perfect example. This weekend was stress-filled and sleep deprived. Today, I pay for it. I'm still in my jammies, still in bed, feeling the pain shoot up my arms as I type. But I'm okay with that. Because I'm not like everyone else.

There are facts in our life, simple truths that remain. The enemy takes hold of that truth and blinds us to the freedom in it. He takes the fact that we are different and binds our hearts in jealousy and envy. He uses his own translation of "different" to mean "terrible, bad, horrible." He takes God's masterpeice of creation and "set apart" and morphs it into "not enough and awkward."

Yet when God gets His hands on that truth, and HE presents it to us, there is great freedom found in embracing something that once held us captive. When God says to me, "you're not like everyone else" I rest in that. I'm no longer obligated to the ways of the world, or expectations of my neighbor. My dishes can sit in the sink, and I can cancel lunch and I can rest, because I am set apart and different from you. And you from me. It's finding our own way, and being confident in WHO we are in Christ NOT WHAT we do.

Ephesians 1:4- 14

4For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5he[c] predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace 8that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. 9And he[d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

11In him we were also chosen,[e] having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory

I Love Cream of Wheat!

2010-03-11T19:47:00.000-06:00

What a comfort food for me! Growing up, my grandmother made us Cream of Wheat starting at 2 months old. Every year, she added just a tad more sugar, so by 10 years old, we were eating spoonfuls of sugar and butter! Yumm-o!

My grandma made all kinds of amazing food. I loved it when she cooked, she cooked all the time for everyone who walked through her front door. She was known for her German Sweet Rice, and her homemade strawberry preserves and her pecan pralines. Oh yah, and her mac n cheese with tomatoes. And her enchiladas!

She always encouraged me to cook. She would always say, "It's so easy. All you have to do is..." and then she would proceed to give me 29 minutes worth of instruction on how to cook an amazing meal.

I loved my grandmother. In fact, my love for her is stronger and more real in her death. I'm missing her this week! I have dreams of her, that she is still alive. Most of the time, she's still sick, but alive. I'm not sure if my dreams are about me seeing her, or about my soul's desire to experiece God.

I never had an experience with God like I did when she was on her death bed. I would walk into her room, where she laid in her hospital bed, floating in and out of heaven. When she came back from her short visits before her death, she would bring Jesus with her. His Spirit was so real, and the peace in her room was beyond anything I could ever explain.

I had the privelege of being Still with her, reading to her from the book of Isaiah and Pslams. Pressing my cheek up against hers and listening to her final breaths. Once I was bent down looking in her eyes and she started crying...I asked her, "Omie, why are you crying?" She mumbled, "Because you're so beautiful."

She always saw me through the eyes of Jesus. When she spoke those words I heard the voice of God speaking directly to my heart, against my insecurity. I embraced them, I still hear them sometimes. I dredge them up at times, to drown out the voice of the enemy trying to take over my heart.

I long to be in that very presence of Jesus every moment of my life. She held on tight, for days and days. I kept giving her permission to leave. I would tell her to go when Jesus called. I told her that He would take care of us. I knew she was going to a place where her worries would vaporize, her fears would deteriorate and her body would be void of the immeasurable pain she endured in her last years. A few years ago, she and I had a precious conversation in the very room in which she died. She wanted to make sure she was going to be with her God. We talked of our failures and sins. We talked about his amazing grace and mercy. And we prayed.

If anyone taught me about prayer it was her. Every night before she fell asleep and every morning before she put her feet on the floor, her prayers were heard. Not just by Jesus, but by anyone sleeping in her home. She spoke her prayers loud and clear. No secret, no "private time" with Jesus. Her prayers were heard. I loved to fall asleep to the sound of her praying. How comforting. In my childhood, in prayer, in my adulthood through prayer, and in her passing by prayer.

Michael was still in Florida while I was there with her, until I called and told him to go ahead and come because it wouldn't be long. He came into town at 2 am. She died at 7 am Christmas morning. There is something in me that thinks she wanted to make sure I was taken care of before she left. There is something in me that thinks that Jesus wanted to make sure I was taken care of before she left.

That's how He is. That's why I want to be in his constant presence. I know that when I'm with Him, I'm taken care of. In peace, in eternity, in death, in prayer, in fear, in worry, in trials, in love, He takes care of me.

I'm grateful for my grandmother and what she taught me, and I'm grateful for God's extreme reality and his manifestation of that reality in my life. God is so real. He is so real.

Beth Moore:: So Long Insecurity!

2010-02-24T15:10:00.000-06:00

So Long Insecurity

I need this book. Well, technically, the only book I need is the Bible. However, any book that will bring me one step closer to the truth and freedom, count me in!

Insecurity is the thorn in my side, that has hindered me, enslaved me, over powered me, my entire life. I’m looking for freedom from it, and I don’t need any one specific reason. Right now, my husband is in Afghanistan, and I’m raising three – five kids at any given moment. ( I am a mother in a blended family of 5 kids. Yours, Mine and Ours. )

I left “full-time” church ministry to be in “full-time” mom ministry. I recently relocated to Florida from Texas and in the last few months began growing some roots in a new church. I have no family here and very little support from friends. I am forced, sometimes unwillingly, to depend on God completely. He must be my provider, my best friend and my husband.

In the past, I have depended on my husband to be those things, and God has strategically removed him from life—temporarily—to grow me. Oh what fun to be grown by God! (insert sarcastic voice)

I’m in the process of said growth, the very seedling planted in the fresh soil. I have few people to talk to, so I contemplate much. And in my silence, God reveals. Insecurity is the one thing in my life that I thought I had to have forever, because, well I’m a woman, and women are insecure.

Funny thing. My whole life I’ve had difficulties building and keeping relationships with women, even my own mother. Clearly it’s because I have enough insecurity of my own to have to deal with the insecurity in other women. I do however, have a huge heart for ministry to women, because I’ve been there. Actually I am there. I’ve been a Christian Counselor working with women with severe insecurity, eating disorder, marital abuse, sexual abuse, far from God, needing some freedom!

Now that I’m tackling this insecurity issue, God has brightly shined his light on 33 years of darkness. Insecurity controls so much of my life. It’s ugly and nauseating. I hate it.

Right after I began my reading of this book, I saw insecurity in a whole new way. Within days I watched and observed women’s insecurities and the way Satan is attacking our gender, driving us further apart from each other. Separating sisters in Christ.

I’ve come to one conclusion, technology is a tool of our enemy. Texting, facebooking, twittering. (I use it all!) All of it is a false form of connectedness. It fools us into believing that we are truly connecting, when in the end we still remain empty. But it also allows us to be vague and superficial, and this is not something that women need any assistance with.

All the same day, I had women text me and facebook me with “issues” they had with me. They were presented as “LOL’s”. We do this as women, we throw sarcasm, and digs at each other. Comparing, blaming and then we end our insecurity with LOL.

My daughter and her best friend, aka BESTIE aka BFF, were having a week. One of those Tween weeks filled with their own struggles and insecurities. It happened to be the week of the Valentine dance. Alyssa had her ticket, her BFF did not. BFF hummed and hawed over whether or not she wanted to go all week long. All week long, the tickets were sold out, all week long!

A: So mom BFF couldn’t get her ticket, because she waited to long. So we are going to try and sneak her in. She asked her mom, and her mom said we were kids and it was part of doing fun kid stuff, so she’s okay with it. Are you okay with it?

ME: Umm, well what happens if you get caught?

A: Mom! We’re not going to get caught. It’s not that big of deal.

ME: Don’t you think it’s stealing?

A: Well, kind of.

ME: So you are going to “sneak” sneak her in, huh?

A: She just really wants to go mom.

ME: Perhaps she should’ve made that decision earlier in the week?

A: Mom, are you okay with it or not?

ME: No I’m not okay with it. But this is your decision to make. But know if you choose to and you get caught or get in trouble at the school, there will be consequences at home. You will end up grounded. But it’s up to you if you are willing to take the chance.

And with the roll of her eyes and a heavy sigh, she stomped out of my room.

Later that evening, I’m laying on the couch and get a text message from BFF’s mom that reads : Don’t worry Tiffany, I told BFF to stay far away from Alyssa at the dance, so that way she won’t get in trouble.  LOL.

For the record this was my third media attack of the day, if not the fourth. My own insecurities vulnerable, I took immediate offense.

This is what we’ve resorted to. Texting allows us to avoid each other and healthy confrontation. Facebooking allows us to revert further into our own insecurities while justifying our actions with unrelenting self-righteousness.

I immediately saw that evening how the Enemy is after us. How he is taking our insecurities and not just feeding them, but opening our mouths so wide we devour it.

I prayed that night. I prayed hard and long to not let the Enemy gain any more foothold in my life. To not allow me to continue the techno-banter. To not allow me to take any of it personally, to not allow me to judge or condemn.

But it just kept eating at me. I kept thinking of what I did wrong and how I did it wrong. And if I truly offended anyone, because I couldn’t really tell, after all…LOL. I spent the day, sinking into my own emotionally insecure quicksand. And I allowed another women’s insecurity to push me into that pit! So I prayed for God to take that from me, to change me, transform me, and to not allow me to be evasive and unreal with the other women in my life.

Days later, my husband came home for a two week “vacation” from Afghanistan. Let me tell you about Insecurity Sister! I had NO idea how insecure until I was with the one person in this world who loves me completely and unconditionally.

I hurt my back a few weeks ago, so the gym is a long lost friend. Therefore I’m fat. And it happens to be the tale end of my weekly HORMONAL FREAK OUT, so my face looks like a crater. Therefore I’m ugly. I didn’t have time to help Zac clean is room, so it’s a mess. Therefore I’m a failure at housekeeping. I didn’t finish the first chapter in my book. Therefore I’m incapable. I could go on and on.

And with every move he made, I questioned myself. Does he think I’m doing a good job? Does he think I’m cleaning the house right? Does he think I’m being a good mom? Does he think I’m lazy? Does he think I’m ugly? Does he think I’m fat?

So when he questions me with “What are you doing with your days?” I take it personally. Because my insecurity hears, “Tiffany, what are you doing with your time? You are so lazy! I can tell you don’t do anything of value!”

Insecurity is like a morphing machine. Something comes into your life…through words or actions and goes through that machine and turns it into something it’s not. Like a caterpillar and a butterfly. The dna is the same, but it morphs into something completely different, yet maintains a iota of similarity.

I firmly believe this is Satan’s greatest weapon. To take the truth of something and twist it, just slightly. That slight twist out of the light and into the dark is where we are fooled. It sounds right, it seems right, so therefore, it must be right. But it’s not. It’s so not right. Insecurity is anything but right. Insecurity is a lie.

And this lie I’m believing defines me on so many levels. Yes, my lie is covered in perfectionism. Even worse, I lie to myself about my perfectionism. Pretending I’m not because, well, Zac’s toys aren’t off the floor in his room and I’m not obsessed with picking them up. However, I am obsessed with beating myself up about it!

More so, I am plagued with self-doubt about who I am and about what I’m capable of doing. Chronic, chronic, constant, deep. Anxiety, fear, lack of confidence, uncertainty, lack of worth, rejection. Yes, this is me. It’s all about me.

How sad that this insecurity ( I will no longer call it mine, it’s THIS insecurity NOT MY insecurity) is so rooted that I place myself and this lie above the Lord and Savior. No idols, huh? Nothing above the Lord Your God, huh? It’s ugly. It’s so so ugly. And I know the reflection of His life, the revelation of just how ugly is only going to get worse.

My whole life I’ve dealt with such insecurity. Exposed to sex and sexually abused in my childhood, insecurity rooted deep within my spirit. The rejection I felt from my biological father, and every step-father after that fed into my fears of ever being truly loved. Uncertainty of my future, fearful I would be stuck in confusion and abuse forever, led to me grasping tight to my self.

When the world proves untrustworthy, we take hold of the only one we think we can trust—self. And over time, as we become obsessed with our own feelings, desires, wants, emotions and needs, we fall into the lies of our self—our flesh. Our flesh tells us “If only, if only, if only.” And our “if only’s” become our “dreams” and our dreams are often crushed by the realities of this world and so the cycle begins.

The downward spiral brings flushes us down a toilet, grasping for something or someone to save us. All the different life savers thrown at us, we grasp the closest and the easiest. Shopping, a few drinks after work, an extra valium. Working out 7 days a week, three hours a day. Obsessing over our hair, and the perfection of it. Having the best, doing the best, being the best. A beautiful home, perfectly behaved children, a hot husband. A big fat diamond wedding ring. Hold on for dear life. Even our relationship with Jesus doesn’t seem to do the trick. We pray, we ask for forgiveness, we sing the words “these chains are gone, we’ve been set free”. But we’re not. Because after church, after we compare ourselves to the perfect family, and envy the cute outfit and haircut she has, we’re going to the mall. I tithed, so I’m going to get that Coach purse today.

And yesterday, I took that Coach purse off layaway. I’ve learned that financial security is my false positive. I need financial security. My whole life I’ve craved and wanted to know that I could be fed, that mom had the money to buy me shoes and that I didn’t have to wear the same jeans all week, because my friends didn’t have to. I hated not having the money.

And when I got married to my first husband, his spending was out of control, and money was one of the central themes of our problems. And I got remarried, in debt, my husband in debt and we remain in debt. There were times in our marriage that we were -$9 in the bank, no food in the pantry and 4 days until payday. We were tithing, I was in ministry and angry at God--with every bite of that grilled cheese--I was angry!

I find myself in the same place sometimes. Why why why can’t I have the financial freedom, because if I did, I could….then I could…then I could…then I could. And I wouldn’t struggle so much with my insecurities because I could afford…and I could afford…and I could afford.

As I talked it out with my husband God brought memories to me that were long buried, deeply buried. I use to have a problem with stealing, and it started in the first grade. The first thing I ever stole was a ring out of my best friend’s sister’s jewelry box. I ruined that relationship forever. I was humiliated at school, but it didn’t stop me. Soon after that, I decided to just steal money. Most people didn’t keep a good account of their money anyhow, so they wouldn’t miss $5 here or $10 there. It was easier and easier as I got older.

I finally stopped, but sometimes the thoughts even still haunt me. I think of things I could just “take” not realizing how the enemy preys upon my mind, and my insecurity of needing financial stability.

My sweet husband couldn’t see the correlation with my needing financial security and hating my hair. In fact when I explained “false positive” to him, and asked him what he thought mine was, he loving replied, “Just ONE?” Ouch.

So as I go through out my day I realize that on my long list of worries, finances are at the top. And one struggle I seem to have is that I have not found any prophet, disciple or hero of the Bible struggling with finances. Well not besides the greed of Judas, which ultimately led to his suicide.

In my struggle of comparison and jealousy, I don’t find myself identifying with any person in particular, but I do identify with the statement (p54) that “Insecurity lives in constant terror of loss. Insecure people are always afraid that something or somebody is going to be taken from them.” And that’s me.

I’m worried my husband is going to die in Afghanistan-The taking of my best friend and life partner.

I’m worried that I won’t be able to afford my children a proper education—the taking of a better life than I was afforded.

I’m worried that I will mess up our finances until they are virtually unrecoverable -The taking of the little money we have.

I’m worried about getting a new vehicle, to replace the one that I totaled. And we can’t afford one—the taking of peace and dependability to get my children around.

I’m worried about failing God in ministry—the taking of a sense of security in my relationship with God.

I’m worried about whether or not I really hear God’s call on my life—the taking of a possible opportunity.

I’m worried about surviving over the next 9 months –the taking of my strength in the Lord.

I’m worried about what I need to “get done” in the day—the taking of my sense of accomplishment.

I’m worried about being judged—the taking of my self-confidence.

I’m worried about the self-imposed pressure to write, and to write well—the taking of a dream, and a gift I feel I possess.

The list goes on. The worry, it grows. My husband told me this morning that I’m just a big ball of nerves, and that is the very truth. I pray about it, I write it all down in my prayer journal, but I don’t lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I still hold onto it like it’s mine. But it’s not.

John 10:10 says: “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” KJV renders an “abundant” life. Abundant is translated from the Hebrew meaning “to bear violently, to sweep away.” Jesus came to bear violently all those things that the enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy. He wants to sweep away the fear of what is going to be “taken” from our lives. More interesting is the translation of “something thrown off” like a “clod”. Clods were used in ancient times to dam water. So as the clod is removed by Jesus and his work on the cross, his living water can flow into our lives…and then out of our lives. (don’t you just love the Word of God?! Holy Christmas, it’s amazing!)

So in my worry, I place myself above the Living Water. I doubt the work of the cross, I “worship worthless idols, only to become worthless myself.” (Jeremiah 2:5). And that’s exactly what Insecurity does, it imposes a sense of worthlessness. And man alive, I need Jesus’ living water!

Psalm 20:1 May the LORD answer you when you are in trouble; may the God of Jacob make you secure.

So when we are NOT secure…we are in trouble people…we are in some real trouble!

I Still Have My Christmas Tree Up

2010-02-04T12:43:00.000-06:00

Ever had one of those days where you feel sorry for yourself? I do. I did --yesterday in fact. Last few days I've been extremely tired. My back is not better yet, and I have x-rays and doctors appointments that I'm avoiding. I stopped taking all my drugs because I was tired of being High all the time. My body is literally detoxing. I wake up in the middle of the night with the shakes and then break into a cold sweat. I'm not really sleeping well, and My Christmas tree is still up.

Yes I know it's February.

I truly desire to put it up, along with the rest of the remanants of the elves. But I can't. I physically can't. Which means I have to enlist the children. And emotionally, I can't. Well not yesterday anyway--or for the last 2 weeks for that matter.

And I had not spoken to my husband for a week. That's always frustrating. Hearing his voice brings me comfort.

So yesterday, I yelled at the kids, at myself, and even turned my nose up at God for a few moments. I cried on the way to basketball practice, and on the way home told God, I'm just going to lay on the couch for the next year and not care about anything.

But today I got up, got the kids off to school, took Zac to gymnastics, did a little research at B&N, had lunch with my little sidekick and came home to a messy house, and Christmas tree--did I mention something STINKS in my house?! Holy Christmas!!

But today I got up. And started over. And it's a beautiful day, and my husband called me and we talked for 15 minutes or $60, how ever you would like to look at it.

But today I got up, and am totally determined to make my kids start putting up the Christmas decorations, since they are out of school tomorrow. And I will wait for God to heal my back, and inspire my writing, and detoxify me from drugs AND attitude. It is a refreshing hope that my soul still seeks God even when my flesh does not.

Lamentations 3:17-26

You have moved my soul far from peace;

I have forgotten prosperity.
And I said, “My strength and my hope
Have perished from the LORD.”
Remember my affliction and roaming,
The wormwood and the gall.
My soul still remembers
And sinks within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
" The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.

How much does it cost???

2010-02-02T16:20:00.000-06:00

It's only been in the last few years that I've learned how a healthy relationship should function. From childhood into my early twenties my relationships were either 1. Me taking everything or 2. Me giving everything. There was no in between. Relationships were created by God for us. He desires for our relationship with Him and with others to be a give and take, sacrifical, loving two way street. My marriage to Michael has become the avenue that God has used to teach me the cost involved in relationships.

As I was reading a devotional yesterday morning by Mark D. Roberts (thehighcalling.org), God's conviction fell upon my heart with the question :: WHEN HAVE YOU GIVEN JESUS SOMETHING COSTLY?

I thought and thought. And was interested to see if anyone in Facebook World had a story. I was looking for an Alabastar Jar story--and Abraham and Isaac story. One of those God moments, when He convicted you to give it up, and you willingly let go, because you loved Him so much!

I got answers, good answers, true answers:

TIME
MY HEART
MY PRIDE
MY LIFE
FRIENDSHIPS
ACTIVITIES

And I too have given those things. But is there anything I've willingly just walked up to Jesus and said HERE Take It! ? Knowing it was going to hurt, and change me forever because a true sacrifice has to have pain, right? Or has he, through circumstances, had to literally pull them away from my vice like hands or my heart? Almost every scenario I think of is something that has been "taken" from me, not willingly given BY me. I'm still trying to figure out why I can't just look at my life and give up things. Most of the most significant things that I've sacrificed has been with me kicking and screaming: my addiction to money/things, my "going out" lifestyle, my comfort of home/ministry in Texas, things in my marriage, things as a parent. There was even a time that I could PRIDEFULLY say, "I'm in full time ministry" but was really saying..."aren't I so great and sacrificial because I love Jesus and he died for me??"

I still can't think of a time that God asked me to give up something that he didn't have to pry out of my hands or my heart. The jar of perfume was a family heirloom, worth probably $20,000 by todays standards. Isaac was Abraham's promised child, that he waited on for what seemed like an eternity.

In my own life, I don't know of a time I willingly, without argument, gave him something that was closest to my heart. He was willing to pay the cost for me, but is my dedication to him reciprocated?

I have a friend who has a story of Cost, it goes like this:

"A few years ago, my wife paid off a debt of $2,000 to obtain a recording studio set up that her brother was not paying on and then gave it to me :) The gear itself was worth more like $3,000 new but with all of the software, which was about $5,000 worth, it was just a cRaZy deal! So after I had owned it for about a year or so, I hired an engineer from Tampa to come down and do some training with me. In the session the guy asked me "do you know that you are running illegal programs?" I said "no", which was an honest answer. Then I told him that I how I had obtained it and he just warned me about the possible legal consequences of running the "cracked" or "pirated" programs. So after I learned about the stolen software I was convicted inside but at the same time, I literally paid for it and had no clue that it was "pirated". So I struggled with it for about a year and even got advice from others which was typically along the lines of "well, you didn’t know and you did pay for it so..." But the conviction just grew deeper and stronger. I would think "How could I get rid of the programs? I'll never be able to afford to replace them!" And taking the programs off my computer would leave me disabled! That's like Lebron with no hoops! So the fear of not being able to replace the programs kept me idle for a while. One day I just took it to God and said "Lord, if you want me to get rid of the programs, just tell me and I will do it." He told me to and I did. I had no clue how I was going to replace them or what I was going to do with my life with no way to record but I knew it was his will and in obedience, I did removed all of the programs. The awesome thing is that over the new couple of months I had more shows than I could want, which generated enough money to actually go and purchase the programs I needed. God is so faithful! I wasn’t able to get all of the programs but most of them and definitely everything that I needed and on top of that, everything that I have done musically since then has been on a whole new level. God is good! So that was my cost for that particular story anyway :) "

I was inspired to know that God still works today like he did a few thousand years ago. He calls people to great sacrifice for the sake of our relationship. With every sacrifice we make for Him, for every cost we pay, we strengthen our friendship with Jesus. We draw closer to him, learning to trust Him. And in return, he proves what he can trust us with.

His love for us is free, no doubt. Free for us. He will give it to you and make it available to you for as long as you want to take it. But it was not free for him. He paid a price to be with us. We must be willing to pay the cost to be with him. It's how it works ,whether you like it or not. A true, honest and healthy relationship with Jesus involves giving up those things in your life you hold onto the tightest. It's the cost of it. Pay your bill.

It's all about the process.

2010-01-28T15:22:00.000-06:00

I must say I truly know the meaning of moving forward one step at a time now. When I pulled the muscle in my lower back, the pain set in and permeated into my hips and legs. By Saturday I could barely move by Sunday I wasn't walking at all and ended up in the hospital.

So picture this, my kids slept on an air mattress in my room Saturday night just in case I needed them. Sunday morning I had to get out of bed to use the restroom, but they were so ~~quiet~~ cute sleeping and I didn't want to wake them.

So I shimmy-ed outta bed, and realized I couldn't stand. So I decided I could crawl to the bathroom, I got down on all fours and couldn't move. I sat there, laughing at myself, crying at my pain and wondering what in the world to do?!

I finally woke up the kids, and they helped me get back in bed. Then we decided I would try to walk to the bathroom...three steps later I turned back around and fell into the bed, wondering if going to the bathroom was over rated. So I layed there, and tried to figure out a plan to get me to that restroom.

So here's what I came up with. Picture this:

Take the four kitchennete chairs and line them up toward the bathroom. I would scoot myself from chair to chair, while the kids were in charge of putting putting the chairs in a continuous line until I made my way to the bathroom. I was extremely pleased that I had been working on my upper arms at the gym, because I really needed those muscles. [you have permission to laugh hysterically at the vision in your head]

An hour later, I was finally back in bed, laying there, grateful for creativity and praying I wouldn't have to pee again for the next, oh six days. I truly knew what it meant to move forward one step at a time. Everytime I looked up to see how far away I was from the bathroom, or on the way back to the bed, I would get discouraged. It seemed so far, so impossible. But when I scooted myself one chair at a time, focusing only on my current movement, and praying with every heave ho, I found myself in a do-able rhythm that allowed me to accomplish the task. It was a process, a v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w. process, but I made it. And I laughed at myself every step of the way. [insert your own laughter here]

I'm so against process. I'm all about the goal, I'm all about just getting there. Tell me what I'm suppose to do and I'll get there, but I don't like the process. God says don't worry about tomorrow, God says don't worry about the future. God says stay focused on the right now, the task I want you to accomplish right now. Keep your mind and eyes and entire life on me, I will get you through the process until we accomplish the goal together.

I read in my morning devotional from Beth Moore that we shouldn't submit to an assignment, but submit to God. I fail at that. I normally submit to the assignment that God gives me. By doing this I'm missing the point completely. Every assignment I'm given by God is merely a task that will draw me closer to him. If I never draw close to him, lean on him, depend on him, stay focused on him, my assignment, even if accomplished successfully, only half of what God wanted was truly accomplished.

So as servants, children of God, seekers of God, we must stay focused only on Jesus, allowing him to take us through a process that doesn't just complete an assignment but a process that completes us in Christ Jesus. And it took me throwing out my back to learn all that.

How I hurt my back.

2010-01-25T15:19:00.000-06:00

God. God. God. (throwing my head back in laughter) hahahahahahaha HA!

That God is sooo funny. The creative way he teaches me. Oh, if I could only be so creative as a teacher!!

I threw out my back. Well, really I ~~yanked apart~~ pulled a muscle in my lower back. I've learned so much in the last few days....

1. I'm stubborn.

2. I have no clue how to lean on people literally and/or figurately.

3. I normally use my lower back muscles A LOT. Like a really LOT.

4. I can be very creative about making my way to the bathroom when I'm incapable of walking.

5. From now on I must ask for help BEFORE I do something stupid.

6. I hate laying in bed when I'm not tired.

7. I'm stubborn.

8. I have a God who loves me through others and I am grateful.

9. You can't "push through" back pain.

10. When you are at a hospital in Sun City you are responsible for disposing of your own bodily fluids.

and did I mention that I'm stubborn?!

Almost every verse in the bible that talks about being STUBBORN relates it to an unrighteous or EVIL heart (ouch!). Any type of stubborness in our life is a refusal to allow God's grace, mercy and love to flow into our lives, and then out into the lives of others.

Stubborn, or stiff necked like the Bible calls it, is a form of pride. Pride is a form of putting yourself before others, even God. So I guess it's a form of idolatry. Didn't that make the top 10 list of God's "Thou shalt nots" ??

So in my Pride and inability to truly receive God's love, I rob myself of the gifts and abundance that he is so trying to give me. He's throwing it at me, and with Pride as my shield I'm swaying and dodging it...and I guess that's how I hurt my back.

I Want My Two Cents Back!

2010-01-22T08:32:00.000-06:00

What's up with people?! So I'm at the register paying my bill for $20.98. I hand the cashier $21.00. My change should be TWO CENTS. Instead, I hear "Thank you" and the shut of the cash register door. This is not the first time this has happened, in fact, it happens A LOT. Why do people assume I don't want my two cents?

Especially McDonald's. They don't need my two cents! And at least throw the 2 coins in your Ronald McDonald House donation piggy bank. And I GUAR---AN----TEEEEE that if i needed 2 cents toward my bill next time around, they wouldn't remember that they kept my money a few weeks prior.

Even more irritating, the cashiers stand there while I'm waiting for my change and look at me like I'm greedy or stupid or annoying THEM because I want the money that is rightfully mine. I just don't understand! Really?!

Here's the real reason why it bothers me so much. Once I dropped some money on the ground, a nickle and a few pennies, I picked up the nickel, and as I was contemplating whether or not the pennies were worth it, God spoke to me. He said, "I give you EVERYTHING. Even those few pennies. You pray for your finances. You pray for an increase, but you won't even take care of the least amount of money I entrust to you."

So I picked up the pennies. And every penny after that. And I value my change because it is an ever present reminder of how God gives us every single thing that we have, even the pennies in your couch cushion.

God told me to make it important, that's WHY! So I stand there, expectant and not shameful at all for waiting for the cashier to open that register back up and give me my two cents. Even if it means calling the manager to open it, I don't care.

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10

Perspective

2010-01-19T10:31:00.001-06:00

So I'm really trying to embrace the whole At Home Single Mom thing ...As I'm sitting here typing, I can hear my 5 year old in the background taking a shower. He's singing a new song for every body part he's cleaning:

"Wash my leggggggs....Waaaaashhhh my legggggssssssss
Waaaassshhhhh mmmmmy leeeggggsss..."

For EVERY.BODY.PART.... yep, even that one!

When I knew my husband was leaving, I decided to take the bull by the horns, and say YES I stay at home with my kids and YES I don't work outside the home and YES I can finish my book....

I've even said YES I will cut coupons and YES I will organize the laundry room like all those mom's do on all those cute blogs on DIY Wednesday where I read comments like [insert sarcastic voice here] "It's sooo Easy! Just cut this with a saw...and sand this...and paint this and let dry 11 hours...and then paint again and let dry 11 more hours.." (Excuse me while I roll my eyes-- over and over again!)

"Rinsinn' my hair outtttttttttttttttt! Rinsin' my hair ouuuUUUUUTTTTTtttt!"

Not that all that stuff isn't great, but I'm lucky just to keep the kids shoes in the downstairs "Shoe Basket". And the mail, ohhh the mail. And let me tell you somethin' about coupons...YOU SPEND MORE MONEY!!! YES YOU DO!!!! I swear it, you end up buying two and getting one free, and saving 55 stinkin' CENTS on something you would NEVER EVER buy unless you had a coupon. Coupons are LIARS! Therefore they are from the Devil. They take your time away and deceive you...they are LIARS!

"Turnnninnnnn' the waterrrr offffff!!!! Thank you, every-budy...thank you!"

So I'm trying to wrap my NOT SO WORKED OUT triceps around this big thing called BEING WITH KIDS ALLLLLLL THE TIME and, well, it's exhausting. My house is messier than it ever has been, I haven't worked on my writing in 5 days and I'm afraid to ~~smell~~ look at the toilets.

But I'm okay with it. Every time I have the privelege of talking to my husband and he says, "I think you're great!" Or he emails me and says, "I'm so blessed to have you as my wife." or he tells me to make sure I take time for myself, away from the kids, pay a babysitter if I have to. And while he's fighting a war for our freedom, he's putting in for promotions, making phone calls, working on his masters, doing every thing he can to better himself and our family--and let's not forget the ministry he's taken upon himself to teach "these young soldiers" that war is reality everywhere we go, and that God has a purpose for them, and that when they get home and get married, God wants them to be a great husband.

And I complain about cutting coupons....

A Fallen World Around Us.

2010-01-14T09:44:00.000-06:00

The devastation in Haiti is, well, devastating! People wandering, looking for family members. Wailing in the streets. Their world around them fell. Literally.

Ever think of what you would do? Do you even consider what's happening over there? Or what happened when Katrina hit? That was a little closer to home, made you realize it could happen to you.

What would you do? Where would you go? I guess none of us really know how we would respond in such crisis. Most likely we would question God, ourselves. Who to blame. How did this happen. How did I not know my life would be changed forever. Job questioned God. He never doubted him, just questioned.

In the end, Job new who he was, even after God took everything away from him...his family, friends, health, wealth. His world tumbled, fell apart. Job knew where to find himself.

It makes me think of a song by Brooke Fraser called Shadowfeet. (One of my favorites, gives me chills every time!)

when the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standing

when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

when time and space are through

I'll be found in you

Is that true for you? if you lost your job, or your family, or your health. Or if there were a 7.0 earthquake, or life changing hurricane? Or what about the world just explodes?

Do you know where you will be found?

Can you honestly say when everything in this world is over with...when there is no time, no space. When there is no job, no house, no friends, no breath left to hold onto...that you will be found, abiding in Him???

And is that enough for you? Is living forever enough to make you grateful today?

You can't give yourself credit for your life.

2010-01-08T08:23:00.000-06:00

"Your natural life is derived from your parents; that does not mean it will stay there if you do nothing about it. You can lose it by neglect or you can drive it away by committing suicide. You have to feed it and look after it; but always remember you are not making it, you are only keeping up a life you got from someone else. In the same way a Christian can lose the Christ-life which has been put into him, and he has to make efforts to keep it. But even the best Christian that ever lived is not acting on his own steam--he is only nourishing or protecting a life he could never have acquired by his own efforts.' -CS Lewis

Choosing to be "IN" Christ.

2010-01-06T17:03:00.000-06:00

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" -II Corinthians 5:17

Sharing in the humility and suffering of Christ allows us to experience a new life, now and in the future. We can share in suffering by self-sacrifice, and in humilty through putting Jesus first without complaint or resentment.

Although there is pain and sacrifice in humilty and suffering, their remains a great reward in the in end-a manifestation of the Spirit. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Faithfulness. Self-Control. Only these can be produced by the Spirit, and only can be released through our own suffering and humility.

With humility in particular comes a level of suffering of the flesh. The flesh can't be fed equally with the spirit. If you are feeding an area of your life, one is living while one is in the process of dying. Either God or money (Matthew 6); blessing or curse (Deut 30); life or death (Deut 30).

When we are drawn by the things of the flesh, and submit to things of the flesh, our spirit suffers unto death. In reality our flesh is dying, too, but it is deceving us into believing that the temporal trumps the eternal. The word temporal in and of itself implies death.

But if we submit to the things of the Spirit, then we die to our flesh. And in dying to our flesh, our spirits grow and floursih. We prosper in the areas of life that our temporary flesh would never be able to accomplish.

Life and death work only ONE way. We only have life through the death of the flesh but we may never receive life through the death of the spirit.

Thus, Jesus is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE. For Jesus desires to make you whole in your spirit before making you whole in your Flesh. We can acquire things of the flesh without Jesus, but we can never acquire things of the Spirit without Jesus.

So when we choose to be "IN" Christ--not "BY" Christ nor "NEAR" Christ nor "FOR" Christ--but truly CHOOSING Christ, we can become a new creation in our Spirit by burying the desires and submission of those desires of our flesh.

Through our surrender and humiliation--one that Jesus chose and endured--we share in the same new life that Jesus endures in freedom and Glory at the right hand of the Father.

Every choice you make---every single choice you make---brings you closer to Life or Death...Blessing or Curse. And it's only a choice that you can make.

2009-12-03T09:34:00.000-06:00

Dear Daylight,

I hate you. I know, I know. It's harsh. But I just don't understand why you're such a big deal. I'm not sure why people swoon over you, and can't wait to open their eyes to see you. And then when you leave they literally stop and watch you leave...something about how amazing you look walking out the door. Whatever. What's so amazing about that?

And what about today? It's not even happy outside...it's grey and gloomy, and we all have to be subjected to your PMS. I don't understand who decided that Daytime was the time for everybody to be awake. It's probably God, so I can't argue much with him. But with You..that's a different story.

If it were up to me Missy., I wouldn't see you much at all. If I need a tan I'll go to the tanning salon. If I need a light, I'll flip a switch. Right now, I need sleep,and you don't give a flip. You just go on, doing your thing, making me work and function and be responsible.

It's all your fault. But know this--when the children move out--in 13 years--we will say adios. You won't see much of me...I will sleep through your performances, and stay awake all night.

But til then I guess I must learn to co-habitate with you, for the world dictates how I function. But just for the record, I think you're a Big Fat Loser!

VERY Sincerely,

Tiffany Crawford

Jesus Wants You to Dirty His Truck

2009-12-02T12:07:00.001-06:00

Every morning I take Cody to school. Me taking Cody instead of him riding the bus actually works best with our schedule, and then I don't have to get up soo stinkin' early for I'm NOT a morning person.

Yesterday, as I'm leaving the parking lot, I see this fairly new, very nice truck pull in as I'm driving out. I noticed the color, sorta reddish orange. More so I noticed how clean this truck was. I'm somewhat envious of people with clean vehicles, because that's nearly impossible for me.

Then as he turned the corner, and the morning sunlight hit his truck just right, I saw several tiny little hand prints, waist high on his driver side door. I looked toward the driver, just to see the back of his grey hair.

On my way home I imagined a scene where grandpa was getting into his new, clean truck saying goodbye, maybe even leaning down for a quick peck on the cheek. And then little hands, no doubt dirty from playing outside, helped grandpa by pushing his door closed for him. How proud the possesor of those little hands must've been, to be so helpful and attending to his grandpa.

It reminded me of us and Jesus. How Jesus is beautifully clean, how we desire to help him with our dirty hands. In his great love for us, he bends down for a kiss on the cheek and lets us dirty his truck. He's proud of us, he loves our servant, dirty hands..as long as our hands are dirty from doing HIS work. He wants our help. He wants us to assist him in opening and closing doors. Jesus' wants our love for him to be like dirty handprints on a clean truck... something that sticks out for all to see.

The handprints were noticed, they were a special, significant mark on a big truck. But like the truck, the handprints merely pointed out its beauty. And like Jesus, our dirty handprints, point out how amazing God is.

Put your handprints on the work of Jesus. Leave your mark.

Since When?

2009-11-30T09:01:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago, I loaded down the Expedition with several giggly tweenagers and scooted off to a USF Volleyball game! We LOVE going to college games!!! So when I was "volunteered" to chaperone the 7th & 8th grade girls, I was all over it.

Just getting to the game was an adventure with the girls giggling, and writing notes in the window for the other cars to see like "Texting and Driving Will Kill You". And don't forget every semi-truck we passed, we all did the arm motion to make them honk, and then burst into a thousand giggles... I was praying for an opportunity, for God to open a door for me, and was excited at the possiblity of a God Spot.

When we made it to the game, I met the other mom's... one of them reading a book on the Lord's Prayer...I thought "Yes, here is my chance... "

Me: "Noticed the book your reading, what church do you go to."

Her: "Oh this and this church over off this and this road."

Me: "Cool. You been going there long?"

Her: "Yah, a little while."

We were interrupted when the game started--it was "Rowdy Crowd Night"...yay for my ears.... so I knew it was going to be difficult to continue our conversation.

Zac was all up in her bid-ness, if you know Zac you know exactly what I mean so I used that to start up another conversation...

Me: "If he's bothering you, I'll move him."

Her :"Oh no, I work with kids at my church."

Me: "Awesome. What age group to you work with?"

Her: "Little ones like him all the way up through teenagers."

Me: "Really? Awesome. I guess you like kids, huh?"

Her: "Yah."

The End.

That was it--the extent of our conversation.....so here's the deal, and the disclaimer -- perhaps I look too much into simple situation. Perhaps my expectations of fellow believers are unrealistic. Perhaps it just wasn't the right place or time. Regardless, it got me thinkin' and askin'

Since When Does OUR Faith become OURS?

No really, since when do we get to put a claim on our relationship with Jesus and it be all about ME and MY relationship with Jesus?

Sure, we have to enter into that relationship on our own, and seek God on our own, because no one else is going to do that for us. But that's only one facet of what it means to be a follower of Jesus.

I guess my expectation when I meet a fellow believer in an unexpected place is to embrace him or her like a long lost sister or brother. I expect their excitement about Jesus to match up with my excitement about Jesus.

However it ends up looking is not as important as the motivation in my heart --or in yours. Your faith is not meant for you to horde and hold onto. It's not meant to be something that is "private" or "personal" or "just between you and God." It IS meant to be something that the world can see, so that they may know, of that same saving grace that saved YOU from yourself, is available to save them. And to encourage other believers in their own faith, cheering them along so they don't give up.

When someone asks you about your church or your faith or your Jesus, don't just answer their questions with simple Yes's and No's...flood their eardrums like a Rowdy Crowd and tell them all that Jesus has done and all that he's gonna do in your life. Your faith is not yours...it's only yours to share.

Really people?

2009-10-22T07:52:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend in Michigan with my sweet amazing husband. We spent more time in the Chicago airport than we did in Kalamazoo, and I have a few observations...just a few:

Is the 20 year old TSA employee (while bringing me through security happens to be telling a story about her sister getting arrested and dropping 100 "f" bombs in the process) really going to stop a terrorist from entering the airport??

Does a small pan pizza really cost $7.00 to make?

Does it really take that long to find your connection flight on the alphabetically arranged list on the monitors??

Do you really not know that people are walking behind you when you stop in the middle of the terminal to look at the alphabetically arranged list on the monitors?

Is it really necesary for you to carry on your luggage? really? I know it's more convenient for YOU but is it really convenient for the rest of us?

And why is it that this is illegal to bring through security:

But this is NOT:

and neither is this:

really?

Be afraid.... be really afraid!

Small Church: Defined.

2009-10-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

God called me into ministry almost 9years ago...yeah, 9 years! I didn't know I was called into ministry at the time, I was just taking a job at a church that sounded like fun. Working in children's ministry had more appeal than writing commercials for the local pregnancy center, or developing brochures about household mold. I knew I would love it, and for the first time it was a job that made sense. So I did it. I entered into ministry. I've tried to turn back, I tried to exile, I've attempted to pout and throw fits...but nope. I'm still here. In ministry...Somehow and some way...in ministry.

My first job in ministry is far from how I truly entered into ministry. I entered into ministry as a child. I know that now. Not in a Kathy Lee, child labor kinda way. But in hindsight, I know that God placed a call on my life as a child...in a small church, where I met Jesus.

My memories of small church are precious, and fragile. So much of my life centered around small church. There was Sunday church, and Sunday School. There was VBS and the Season of Lent. There was Christmas, and Children's Christmas Plays. The Men's Breakfast, the Mother/Daughter Banquet and German Dinners. There was flowers at the alter, and kneeling at the alter, and receiving the blood and wine at the alter.

The organ, and the organist. The choir director, and the "choir"...I use that term loosely. And ahh the hymnals, and the previous weeks attendance posted on each side of the alter. There was the familiar, and the people that knew me since I was "wee tall". There was drawing on the back of offering envelopes and signing your name on the attendance roster.

There was decorating the Christmas tree, and caroling. There were weddings, There were funerals, of my God-father...and my grandmother, just last December.

I drive by small churches often. In fact I pass church after church to go to the church I go to. Some MEGA, some SCARY, but some SMALL. I wonder sometimes what I missing. What my children are missing. There's a certain love that is only found in Small Church--a certain family...that no Small Group or Life Group can imitate. There's a certain message received from a Small Church that no media or drama or creative element can duplicate. There is REAL in small church. Is it perfect--NO...but it's real. Does it allow you to be anonymous--NO...because, to Jesus, you aren't.

Small Church is a place where you can be a part of something much bigger than yourself....and we all want to be a part of something much bigger than ourselves.

Answer Me This::

2009-09-27T14:46:00.000-05:00

What are you GO'ing to do this week?

What are you GO'ing to do this year?

What are you GO'ing to do in your lifetime?

I'm working on an article, so please know that I can/will use your comments (anonymously of course)

Thanks....

Milk....

2009-08-19T22:21:00.003-05:00

One of my sweetest, favorite late night things to do is grab a few cookies, and fill a coffee mug with ice cold milk. Mosey on over to the big green chair and snuggle under a blanket in a freezing cold house. And slowly, and methodically, dunk each cookie, bite by bite, in my ice cold milk until allll of the cookies have magically disappeared. Yummmmy.

How different would that moment be if that milk was LUKEWARM. I would rather not partake in my ritual at all than to dunk cookies in lukewarm milk. It would almost literally make me want to throw up. (If you could only see my face right now as I just think about it) For one, I think it's a very hateful thing to do to an expectant cookie, and B. I don't ever drink milk just for the sake of drinking milk. Milk, I firmly believe, was discovered for babies, cereal and dunking cookies. No more. No less.

LUKEWARM is the word of the month. The definition of this word is one that Jesus is personally walking me through. He doesn't want any of us to be LUKEWARM. And here's the ringer...wanna know what it is???

Some of us...some of YOU...are LUKEWARM but you think you are on fire for Jesus!

YOU:: Oh no, Tiffany, not me! I LuuuuUUUuVVVV Jesus, he's done soooo much for me....

ME:: Ah yes, he has. But what have you done for HIM?

YOU:: Well, I'm in church EVERY weekend, and even Wednesdays. I serve in the Children's Ministry, and I tithe.

ME:: Wow! Impressive. But weren't you at the bar with your friends last week?

YOU:: Well, ummm, not really. I mean it was a bar and grill....but I was eating dinner...

ME:: OOHhh, but I saw your pictures on Facebook of you throwing down a few shots of whatever that was.... did you make it to church the next day?

YOU:: Well of course I did. I had to serve that morning, remember Children's Ministry.

ME:: Oh, ok. Well, what about all the money you spend getting your hair done, didn't you tell me you pay like $200 to get it done?

YOU:: Well, yah, but that's only once every few months. Besides, I already told you, I tithe.

ME:: Oh, ok....Well, It seems like you have it all figured out.

Is this the definition of LUKEWARM???

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-04T11:49:00.002-05:00

REPOST FROM MEMORIAL DAY 2008 ...

A time for war, a time for peace.
Today is Memorial Day--and I just want to thank all of the soldiers who serve our country--who fight for our liberty. My sweet husband is one of those. He is a veteran of Desert Storm and was a front line tanker in the major battles there. I've learned from him that even though you may not lose your life, or a limb, you still lose a part of yourself. So thank you to him and every other soldier who has sacrificially served for our freedom.

God has given me a soft heart toward Military wives, and I want to thank them, too. Michael is a Reservist in the Army and he just returned from his 3 week annual training. I hated him being gone. He keeps telling me that I'm an army wife and should get use to it, but I refuse to accept that. Compared to the stories I've heard, I'm far from being an army wife, I don't even have to experience the half of it...

When the wife of a soldier is left behind, she is left with a mess to tend to for an unknown amount of time. She must take care of the kids and the bills and herself. She must pray for his safety with all of her heart and believe in a God that is bigger than it all. She must fight her own fears, and her resentments and sadness. As she looks at her children, who don't know the world without war, she hopes for their future and peace for tomorrow. She anxiously awaits his call, and fears answering the knock at the door. When he comes home without a leg or an arm or a prayer, she must have faith strong enough for them all. She has to make the decisions with the doctors and find care for her children. With all his sufferings, she must deal with his grief, her families' grief, her children's grief--and someday--her own.

She has to fight for her marriage, often without him-- and she feels scared, weak and alone. She must protect her children from his traumatic stress, but yet allow her kids to experience their own pain. And all the while, even with him here, she must take care of the kids and the bills and herself. She must love him and his anger. She must have compassion for his struggles yet encourage him to look to the future. She must put her own needs aside. She must be strong and love the Lord, if she is going to make it.

She is the wife of a soldier. I'm grateful for her. She is rarely recognized, and often not loved for all that she sacrifices.Thank you military wives. You are an inspiration of what a Godly wife can be...stay the course. Don't give up. God is intimately acquainted with all your needs, desires and fears. Rest in HIM!

Living in a Bubble

2009-06-07T20:37:00.004-05:00

Last season I became intrigued by the Spelling Princess on an all day Oxygen marathon when I was avoiding housework. So behold, a new season begins....

I decided I would check it out, besides Baby Stella was there, and who can resist a baby? Tori was my LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER on 90210, so for whatever reason I've been mesmerized---and I really do love reality TV, but that's a different post and 6 months worth of counseling.

So I'm "watching" a new episode yesterday, I say "watching" very loosely because I was truly multi-tasking. I come on this scene of Tori doing nothing but complain about how difficult her life is, and how hard it is to balance her life...taking care of babies and having to work. Poor multi-millionaire, with her huge house and nanny. She was soooo upset because her husband had to actually work.

Now don't peg me as completely merciless...I'm Tori has hurts and struggles, and lots of pressures to perform and to have a 2nd NY Times Best Seller. HOWEVER

Last week I called a volunteer who was home sick. She's a single mother with a 9 year old and 6 year old and a 5 year old. She has some pretty serious medical problems and had a minor procedure gone wrong. She couldn't get out of bed, her kids were caring for themselves. Her family lives out of town. She contacted her doctor who said she needed to go to the ER. She didn't want to "burden" anyone with her children. So I accepted the challenge and picked up her three kids...and drove her to the hospital. She assured me she could get a ride home--and she did at 3:45 am. She tried to take a cab but the hospital wouldn't let her.

Then let me tell you about another precious woman who has three kids. She's a single mom, with no job. She lives day to day, with three kids--and her past haunting her. She made some life threatening choices and lives with the repercussions of that daily.

Then there's the dad. His wife is dying of a very serious disease. She walked away from the marriage, leaving dad to care for the 1st grade little boy and his step-daughter. Not long ago, mom made a phone call and yanked his step-daughter out of his care. He raised her since she was 2. The little girl never met her real dad. She left the state, her little brother and the only father she ever knew.

I have more stories...wanna hear them?

Tori and Dean have a "tough" Hollywood life. But they live in a bubble. The live in their $2000 boots, hair appointment, leaving their daughter with the Nanny BUBBLE. They feel cheated when they work on movies that pay more money than most people would earn in 5 years...and some 10. They live in a Bubble.

You might too. You stay so focused on your own life, your own selfish ways that you don't WANT to look at the single mom, or hurting child. You don't WANT to sacrifice your time boating. You don't WANT to rearrange your life for other people. You don't WANT to rearrange your life to serve your God.

Imagine what this world would be like if you truly followed the commandment to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS YOURSELF. See...you don't think you love yourself---but Jesus knew. Jesus knew how much you love yourself...and he thinks if maybe, just maybe you could love other people as much as you love your life, yourself, you could change the world.

Study of the Queen

2009-06-04T22:53:00.003-05:00

I just finished a nine week Bible Study on Esther (Beth Moore). God has chosen this time in my life to teach me obedience....he revealed this to me about a year ago, and apparently I've yet to learn the lesson, because I've taken this class every day for almost 365 days. Not sure what I'm missing yet, but rebellion runs deep in me. Very deep.

Naturally I'm wrestling with several of the truths that were thrown my way over the last two months...but the one that keeps naggin' at me is all about L.O.V.E. Yes, that's it, Love. I'm crazy about a good romance, and cry at weddings. FORGET me watching a wedding video made by one of my favorites Erin Bodie...I need an entire box of tissue. So many things, sooo many things...but L.O.V.E. is what intrigues me the most.

Esther was an orphan chosen by King Xerxes to be his new bride. His last bride was ostracized...possibly killed...for being disobedient to her husband. So a royal cattle call it was, for the virgins of Susa. Beckoned by the king, he chose Esther. She prepared for him, as did the others. Through a year of beauty treatments, like the others, she anxiously waited for the Kings decision. God gave her great favor, not only with the king and his staff, but all the other women as well. She was definitely chosen.

The king wanted Esther for his bride, and the celebrations began. Esther 2:17 says "The King loved Esther more than all the other women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the other virgins;"

The plot thickens and the story twists and turns bringing us to Esther 4 where we discover that the King, who loved Esther more than all the others had not beckoned her to his presence in a month.

As she approaches him to obediently fulfill her destiny, the King replies to her, "What do you wish Queen Esther? What is your request? It shall be given to you, up to half the kingdom."

The King, the King... The intriguing narrative bring us to a dinner party, where the King becomes jealous of his royal "vice president" who the King assumes is making a pass at his wife.
In all the narrative, we only see this L.O.V.E. once, when Esther is compared to the other virgins. So here's my question:: Did Esther love her husband?

Ok here's my another question: Did the King love his queen?

Ok here's my another question :: Did Esther and the King have the same definition of love?

And another? Did the Queen even realllly want to be married to the King besides to stay out of his Harem?

I understand the Providence of God. I comprehend purpose and the "For such a time as this..." but did they L.O.V.E??

How to BE, What to DO?

2009-04-20T21:33:00.002-05:00

Yah, so haven't blogged much lately. I've been pretty drained creatively--overwhelmed with duties and drowing in tasks. I miss writing. I haven't written much of anything lately at all, it actually saddens me. Writing requires me to be in deep place of self-awareness regarding life and circumstances. When I'm writing at my best, I have a keen sense for the heartbeat of life and am able to articulate well what I see, think and feel. Writing requires me to BE. But right now, I just DO.

I do laundry.

I do bedtime prayers.

I do dishes (sometimes).

I do dinner.

I do curriculum planning.

I do bible study.

I do appointments.

I do Easter.

I do meetings.

I do strategic planning and budgeting.

I do quality time with my husband (it's his love language).

I do doctor's appointments (to get my shots.)

I do grocery shopping.

I do mindless net surfing. (Mindless Facebooking)

I do ministry.

I do.

I do.

I do.

In fact I'm forgetting what it even means to BE. I'm reminded of Jesus' time in the desert prior to his ministry. The Word talks about his temptation there. But what is not spoken is that need for Jesus to BE with the Father before he had to DO ministry. Of course, Jesus didn't have it all backward like we do...and I say WE because it is WE. This world, this nation, this city, this town, this body of Christ.

We consume ourselves with doing...so much so, if we see a break in the calendar we will create things to DO instead of BEING or even teaching people how to BE.

So when I'm not DO-ing, these days, I'm not DO-ing anything. Because I'm worn out, and have nothing to BE, and have lost the ability to BE amidst the busyness. How do I slow down? Who knows. How do I stop? Good question.

In a world of expectation, there is no stopping. In a fast pace, keep up with the generations and the people and the community, there is no slowing down. So until I figure it out, I will meditate and contemplate. I will pray for creativity, time to write and ways to BE.

Where is God...

2009-04-03T09:37:00.003-05:00

I've heard so many heartwrenching disappointments from children AND adults. Their fathers. Yes, their fathers. 10 Years ago or so, America decided that a child needs his father as much as his mother. The shift began from working father's not having permission to use the reason of "work" excuse them from being a parent. Two parent working families contributed to this in a huge way, because now mom was at a job and still responsible for all the needs of a child.

As we psychobabble through people's lives we often label them textbook abandonment from their father... it happens all the time.

We look at the emotional reprecussions of an absent father, either physically or emotionally, but rarely hear of the spiritual dysfunction that occurs because of a father misssing. It proposes questions like this quite often:

WHERE IS GOD WHEN HE DOESN'T SHOW UP?

Is he at work, like your father was during your little league baseball game where you looked for him and looked for him and he never showed??

Is he in some other state, and you don't really know where he is or why he left to begin with--like me??

Is it traffic's fault?

Does his back hurt??

Did he get arrested for DUI and is he sitting in jail, but you don't know it?

Is he with his girlfriend, while you and your mom sit on the couch waiting for him for dinner?

Is he soo angry at your mom for divorcing him that he can't see through his own hurts to care enough about yours?

Is he too consumed with himself?

Is he too consumed with his addiction?

Is he too busy fighting with your mom?

Did he forget?

Where is He? Where is God when he doesn't show up??? Where was your dad when he didn't show up?? I'd be interested to know...

It's so difficult for us to separate our relationship with our heavenly Father from our relationship with our Earthly one. And even if our Earthly father was loving and suppportive and caring, he still failed us in some way shape or form--because he's human. And even if we've accepted his imperfections, have we accepted the results of his imperfections?

Our Heavenly Father is NEVER not there. He's never stuck in traffic, or too angry for us. He's never so lost in his emotions that he doesn't care about us. He's never too busy and he never forgets. Do you believe that? Do you need to push past what you feel to believe the truth? Do you have to lay down your own understanding to trust in his providence? Do you need to forget what you think you know and seek out the absolute truth of the Word of God?

Isaiah 42:16
Psalm 8:4-5
Psalm 139:1-18
Hosea 6:1-3
John 14:12-14,18
I Peter 1:6-9
I Peter 5:6-7
I John 4:10

What is God to you?

2009-03-21T11:18:00.003-05:00

This use to be one of my favorite counseling questions. If you could name the top three things/characteristics/titles that God is to you right now, what would they be?

I'm so learning that God is amazingly patient with me. When he stretches us, with an intent of growth, he desires to show us something new about his character. In counseling it was so easy to feel his presence, because he literally worked right through me. But now, with my ministry change, I find it challenging to find him sometimes.

I've had to learn to look for him in a different way. To discipline myself to be in contact with him through the little things...the emails, the short conversations, the smiles and high fives to the kids. I have to intentionally find him in the midst of the paperwork and curriculum.

It's so very different, but so very God...Don't you think?? Isn't that like God to challenge you in a way that you don't even know that you are being challenged--not in your job or your life--but in your personal relationship with Him?

We get lost in the world, the busy-ness of our lives. Caught up in doing instead of being, and God brings us to these places where he just wants us to be. He just desires for us to know more about him, in every situation, every relationship, every job, every possible way.

So God to me is : Concerned, Gentle and Merciful. What is HE to you???

And then they speak.

2009-03-05T14:04:00.001-06:00

Every weekend rolls around with amazing regularity. I prepare curriculum, make copies, hand out rosters, greet volunteers. Wednesdays aren’t any different. Kids come and go, “Hello Ms. Tiffany!” “See you next week, Ms. Tiffany!” They mostly come with smiles, sometimes a little hesitance, but most of all, they seem like normal, everyday kids coming to church with mom or dad.

And then they speak.

They tell you of their lives with straight faces, and even smiles.

“My mom is dying of aids, and I live with my step dad because my real dad doesn’t want me. I don’t even see her anymore because she’s so sick. I’m 9.”

The toothless blonde girl smiles, “ I’m 8. My dad does drugs and my mom drinks wine. My dad has big bumps on his arms, I think it’s cancer. I think my dad is going to die and my mom is going to drink so much. But it will be okay, because I can just go to the gas station next to my house if something happens.”

“I brought my friend with me today. We are both 10. Her dad died a few months ago, so she doesn’t really talk.”

“I don’t like my sister, she’s 16 and we don’t really get along. Both of my parents work, so I spend most of my time in my room by myself.”

“I asked my mom why she and my dad divorced, and all she tells me is “It’s just better that way.” I don’t understand how it could be better because when I’m with my mom, I miss my dad, and when I’m with my dad I miss my mom.”

“Don’t ask me about my family.”

“I watched my dad die of a drug overdose. I’m 9.”

“My dad is a bad example for lots of reasons. I can’t really tell you all of them, because I haven’t seen him in 8 years.”

Their stories are filled with heart wrenching pain. These wounded souls go through life with their stories, their safety plans, their pain. Every week they come, looking for love and acceptance, searching for some sort of order to the chaos in their minds.

These kids are hurting and only the Ultimate Physician can be the salve to their souls. So before you look at that child as ordinary, know that each of them has an extraordinary story behind their smile. A story where the ending could be written by Jesus himself, if only you are willing to hold the pen.

Blip-less

2009-03-04T10:49:00.003-06:00

Where have I been, you ask. I've been right here, in Florida, living my life, trying to move in a direction that falls behind the footsteps of God. I find myself in a state of amiss. I'm seeking God, even though I don't necessarily hear him, feel him or see him. Ever been in that place? Why do we have those moments, those "GodSpots" (a wonderful coined word by my wonderful friend Archie)? And why are there times like these when ... well...nothin'...not a blip???

It's hardest to pursue Him when you feel blip-less.

2009-02-10T13:32:00.001-06:00

Uninspired.

2009-02-09T14:57:00.003-06:00

This word haunts me, and running in a close second is determination.

Uninspired is the word that describes me most right now. I'm not inspired to clean my house, or even take a shower. I'm not inspired to work on my book, or work on...well..anything.

So what's a girl to do? What's a girl to do?

I say ...

She should laugh a little.

Remember the crazy, spontaneous girl she once was.

She should not put so much pressure on herself to get things done.

She should explore life from different eyes.

She should really enjoy the moments she has with her kids, because they are growing.

She should try and make a friend.

She shouldn't care so much.

She should definitely laugh a little.

Blah blah blah

2009-02-02T12:45:00.003-06:00

I've struggled to find anything of value to write about. My life is less interesting than I care to speak about, Michael and I are doing well, my children are perfect, life is trucking along. Nothing has changed, same ole same ole...

blah

blah

blah

Questions, Ideas? I'll be glad to entertain clean subject matters in which to write about.

To all the moms...

2009-01-27T14:24:00.001-06:00

The End.

2009-01-20T18:44:00.002-06:00

So I'm pretty frustrated right now, not for me, but for my husband. It's the ministry of intercessory disappointment. Yet another job that he really wanted, and has worked for, and pursuing his masters for, didn't work out.

How many times in the last six years? I dunno. We've lost count.

It makes it difficult. As you pray with great expectation , and the expectation falls drastically short of great...as you wait on direction from the Lord...as you seek His will.... as you try to make ends meet.....as you dedicate life to ministry....and you end up....drastically short.

It leads to drastic hopelessness. You lose the drive, the determination and the dream. Sure, we'll keep on, keepin' on. Living our day in and day out life--me doing ministry, him working his shift. We'll love our kids and spend time together. We'll love each other and pursue God...but in a different way. Void of a hope for a better future. Disappointed in the realities of this sinful, fallen, crazy world.

It just is. And I remain cynical, and bummed.

The End.

Stop and Look Around

2009-01-13T13:37:00.004-06:00

Sunday evening Michael, the kids and I went to the beach for a little family time. This beach had a fenced in playground so off we went to run and jump and play. Michael and I taught the kids how to jump off a swing. How sad is that? We had to teach our kids to jump off a swing!! In Florida, most all of the schools don't have playgrounds--or even gyms. And when we lived in Texas, the kids weren't allowed to jump off the swing because it was "Too Dangerous."

The kids had a great time, learning the feeling of flying. Really, it's falling...but to them--it was flying. Michael would push the kids super high, and then adjust their hands, and then

one..

two...

three...

J U M P

Over and over, higher and higher. No Fear.

Enought of that. So the kids were off to obstacle courses with Michael, so I started walking to a long swing, closer to the water, right on the other side of the fence. As Zac is running forward, he looks over his shoulder and says, "Where you going mom?"

I pointed and showed him where I was headed. He stopped, looked around, and replied, "Okay, Mom, so if I need you, I can just go out that way or that way."

The words resonated as I treaded in the sand, " Mom, if I need you...."

How different would our lives be if we made a plan with God. A PRO-active plan...instead of a RE-active one... If we knew exactly how we were going to reach out to God in all situations of our lives.

The reality is, we ALWAYS need God, that part is a given. SO why don't we have a plan. Every moment, we need to know a way to get to God. Sure. Sure. It's through prayer, but it's so much more complex than that. How do we pray, what do we pray? Of course, we don't know in every moment what to say--and God's provision is there through the Holy Spirit who will pray for us when we don't have the words, or thoughts or direction.

BUT How different would our lives be if we attempted to stop running forward full speed in our own world? How could we change the course we are on if we actually looked around and assessed where we are at? How much more confident could we be if we could know that at any given point, we would know how to get to God?

Are you running full speed ahead already in this new year? Have you stopped to look around? Do you know how to get to God? Do you even know that you need him all the time??

I'm definitely in the STOP AND LOOK AROUND place. I'm figuring out how exactly to get to God before I continue my journey forward. If I don't, IF YOU DON'T, You might find yourself on a part of the playground you don't want to be. You may be at the top of the tallest slide, 1,000 feet in the air, and when you look down, God is so far off and distant that it's seemingly impossible that he would hear you when you called for help.

God desires for us to plan every part of our lives with him at the very center. How will you do that?

New Year -- New Me

2009-01-08T17:29:00.002-06:00

It's 2009 and I'm a different person. It wasn't the stroke of midnight that turned me into a lowly servant girl, or even the graceful exit of 2008. My world has been forever changed with the loss of my grandmother.

My grandma--or OMIE--was my safe place my entire life. No one ever loved me, extended grace to me, or knew me quite like she did. With the loss of her, there is a void in me that remains forever unfilled. I prefer it that way. I don't want that place in me filled with anything else--except maybe Jesus of course.

It was a tough December, a tough November, a tough October...I think you get the point. I wish I could say I was looking forward to a better year, but every year I look forward to a better year, and it fails to deliver.

I'm learning to embrace the good and the bad, the precious sweet moments and the rotten I-want-to-disappear feelings. But the trek of the last five years has left me in a place of cynicism and complacency. I dare not to wish for more in the future right now, nor have expectations of anything at all. Perhaps I'm numb to the constant struggles culminating in the end of the life of the most beloved person to me.

Don't worry, I'm not a sad, miserable, black wearing Eeyore walking around saying "Life Sucks." I'm surprisingly enjoying my time with my kids, working when I have to and not worrying when I'm not. Simply, I've changed my perspective and am allowing myself to be sad. For that I am.

In this New Year, I expect nothing of the world, but only of myself. This world will not change. My circumstances remain grim. If anything must change, it must be me. New Year--New Me.

To: Archie QUACK QUACK

2008-12-18T14:55:00.003-06:00

Here I am! Here I am!! For those of you wondering, you can call the search party off! Here I am--still in Texas...

Lots of goings on in my Texas life...lots of stress and struggle. It's amazing that the days fly by so quickly...with almost nothing accomplished. I hate not accomplishing anything...I wish I could say I'm using this opportunity to get in touch with God, to pursue Him...I wish I could say I'm going to bed early and sleeping in late. I wish I could say I finished the books I brought and the projects I've started. I wish I could say I've sifted through my emotional turmoil, and figured out my "issues." I wish I could say I didn't miss my husband, or my life in Florida...

But no.

I'm glad to be here during this precious time...very precious. I'm grateful for God's provision for me to be here and still be able to buy Christmas for my kids. (of course I have NO idea how we'll get back to Florida). Ha ha...

I'm regretful I haven't spent more time with friends--but my time is spent with family right now.

I'm still working on figuring it all out... I'll let you know if I ever do on this side of heaven.

"In the meantime...I'm here, talk to me" <<-----Any idea what movie that's from?

If it looks like a duck....

2008-12-02T21:28:00.003-06:00

And sounds like a duck...and walks like a duck...then----

It must be a duck.

Isn't that what we've been taught? It's logical, it makes sense. Common sense.

But what about spiritual sense??? Does it make spiritual sense?

If you see someone that looks godly, and sounds godly and walks godly--is he really godly?

Or if you see a family that looks happy, and sounds happy --are they really happy?

I think I was deceived. And although this seems like a simple deception, it's much more complex as we consider the spiritual strongholds that are associated with such lies. As I struggle with faith, everything in my world does not align with the truth of God's word.

God's word says -- Seek me, I'll take care of all your needs:
But we look broke, we sound broke, we walk broke-- Then we must be ducks.

God's word says -- I forgive all your sins:
But I know I'm filled with sin, I walk giving into temptation, I hold on to the shame. Then I must be a duck.

God's word says-- I'm a sovereign God:
But I walk like I'm in control, and talk like I'm in control and sound like I'm in control. Then I must be a duck.

The Word says, but the WorLd says.

Rejecting the duck is a struggle. It manifests itself in envy, and self-hatred, and discontent--to name a few.

Rejecting the duck, is rejecting a childhood ideology and maturing in faith.

Rejecting the duck-- is embracing God and the truth.

Overpriced coffee saving the world??

2008-12-01T09:36:00.003-06:00

So I log into facebook and see this notification:

Starbucks goes (RED).
Join us for World AIDS Day. On Dec 1, buy any hand-crafted beverage and we'll give 5¢ to the Global Fund to help save lives in Africa.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? Starbucks charges, on average $5.00 for a "hand-crafted beverage." And of that $5.00, I would go out on a limb and say 65% is profit...and Starbucks, being the philathropists they are, are donating 5¢. WOW.... That's awful generous of them....

f-i-v-e.....whole....pennies.... WOW!

Now don't get me wrong the (RED) organization is raising millions to help the Aids Epidemic in africa...like $112 million...It's a worthy organization..I think that Starbucks could very much contribute so much more....

like perhaps t-e-n....whole...pennies.

Oh! How I've Grown

2008-11-24T12:56:00.003-06:00

A few ways I've changed and grown since I've moved to Florida:

I've lived here long enough to give people accurate driving directions.

Driving 35 minutes to get somewhere "isn't really that far."

I spend more money at the grocery store than at fast food restaurants. (beacuse there aren't many drive-thrus where I live).

I'm not on permanent vacation, so I haven't been to the beach in a month.

I have no idea if Christmas decorations are up at the mall, because I don't live near one.

You can own only flip flops and be appropriately dressed at all times.

I can go virtually days without having "real" conversations with anyone, and I don't explode...well, not anymore.

I can simultaneously paint my fingernails and drive at 65 mph. (Of this, I'm the most proud!)

The list shall continue...

Empty Vulnerability

2008-11-22T19:48:00.002-06:00

I was driving home from work(church) tonight. The kids fell asleep on the long ride, Michael is at work tonight. I was chattin' with God... askin' Him "What in the world is WRONG with me right now?"

I glanced down at my dash, I noticed that my fuel gauge was almost on "E" ... and there was my answer.

I'm on E -- E-M-P-T-Y

Literally and figuratively. The gas in my car is just the beginning.... I'm empty physically, emotionally and spiritually. My body is exhausted and I've been sick for weeks now. I'm not sleeping, and today--I didn't eat. Not on purpose, but just because I hit the ground running this morning, and besides a few chips, it just didn't fit into my schedule. Our finances have run dry, yet again. My soul is a dry land right now...with no watering hole in sight.

I'm flat exhausted--My cup is E-M-P-T-Y.

I'm normally not so vulnerable, specifically when it means talking about "me" or my feelings or "how I'm doing" .

But it hit me tonight, and I had to do something with it. So ta da, here it is .

Empty Vulnerability.

Zac's Birthday

2008-11-17T21:03:00.001-06:00

Halloween Pictures

2008-11-17T18:44:00.001-06:00

Women!

2008-11-12T14:03:00.003-06:00

So Cody is reading "useless but interesting facts" to me today.

One of which read, "The average person speaks 5000 words a day."

To which I quickly replied, "But women..."

Cody interrupts me, "I know."

"You know? What do you know?" I ask.

"Women talk more."

I press on further, "And how do you know that."

To which he honestly replies, "because of Alyssa."

I forgot to pray...that's what I get!

2008-11-09T19:37:00.005-06:00

I hate Walmart. If you know me AT ALL, you know that I hate Walmart. That store brings out the ungodly woman still trapped inside of me. In fact, before I even get out of my car in the Walmart parking lot, God and I have a little chat and it goes something like this:

"Father God, I need your strength. Protect me as I step foot in the hell like abyss, also referred to by the people of this world as Walmart. I need you. I need you to keep my thoughts on you, even amidst the sea of cheapness. I need to control my tongue and watch myself when my anger flares up. I need you to show me your mercy as I must walk back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, through the blatant inefficiency of the floor plan.

And as I stand in line, LORD, the long....disgusting, terrible, horrific lines, give me constraint and love and mercy to those who check me out, to those in line in front of me. And Father, help me to not beat my children, or yell at them for their whining and complaining and wanting.

I give my time in Walmart to you. Amen."

But tonight, I forgot to pray. I'm exhausted, but the kids have been begging me for fish for 2 weeks. I promised that today was the day. Michael used the excuse "I have to work" to get out of it. So off I head to the Walmart with my three kids, their wallets and our sights on fish.

Trying to be in good spirits, we looked through Christmas stuff. Zac stood in awe of the tall Christmas tree, that instead of a star at the top, had the top of an extension cord hanging from the roof--CLASSY! I tried...

Then to the "Pet" department--Department [8] as I will soon learn... I finally found the maintenance lady, who knows nothing of fish, but can put the little net in the water and throw a few fish in a bag. She was very kind...

After humming and hawing over which $5 bowl, and which $4 fish "toy", we made our choices. We ended up with 3 guppies, and 2 glo fish.

Cody was first in line (first behind about 5 other baskets full). When he shimmies his way to the front of the line, he makes a startling discovery, HIS FISH TOY IS BROKEN. Off he goes by himself to the pet department--department [8] (against all of our family policies to be anywhere in a store without ME) but I was done...he had to go it alone. I trained my soldier well, so I had complete confidence.

In the meantime, Alyssa, with her pink wallet, moves ahead, hands the sweet cashier her handwritten ticket, done by the maintenance lady...and the sweet grandma like cashier couldn't get it to ring up right. Off she goes to find the much needed information to charge us the proper $3.16 per fish... The people behind us were not impressed with my "Moment of Mom's Lessons." You know those times you want to teach your kids to be grown up and responsible. They hated me at that very moment...and I had failed to pray against their forces of evil.

Department [8]...it is the pet department at Walmart. Cody returns, I counted his money, because well, he got overwhelmed....it was just quicker. My need to teach had quickly diminished. Then it is my turn, I zip through the process...hand the lady the cash and out we go.

I did the proper thing and held three bags of fish ABOVE the magnetic security suckers---as to not suck the life out of my fish...

And We are finally on the way home! Success!

One more quick stop, then off to put together our new homes for the newest members of our family.... Skillet, Omelet, Red Ranger, Big Red and Lemonberry.

I hate my bowl, the boys' have better bowls. The bowl makes our fish toy look really big. I think I put too much chlorine-taker-outer in my bowl...was I suppose to put in the entire packet? All I have is this stupid weed, I should've gotten a toy, too.

Finally, I believe they are all satisfied. Bowls are beautiful, shells in place (to take the place of the stupid weed). Fish at home...but wait...what's that...he seems to be floating....

GASP.

Oh, no He's moving.... he'll be fine..give him a little time to get use to it all.

{PASSING OF TIME, A RATHER SHORT TIME....LIKE 5 MINUTES}

Mom, I just checked my fish, and poked it and everything, it didn't move.

Noooooooooooo, I smugly reply...I'm sure they're fi...ne.....

As I peek in the bowl....

It appears we shall conduct a funeral tonight...

or perhaps two.

For Red Ranger did not make the difficult transition... and neither did Skillet... both of them...forever together in...heaven-with the God I failed to pray to.

I hate Walmart!

So Zac quickly turned out the lights so that his fish could get some sleep, and we weren't allowed to talk loud, as not to wake him.

Cody doesn't want another guppy if it's just gonna die...

I hate Walmart! That's what I get for not praying...

**UPDATE:

Since I began writing this post, we have lost yet another fish--Omelet. Please be in prayer for my children who will insist I go to Walmart first thing to get them replaced...

Of Birds and Love

2008-11-08T20:09:00.003-06:00

A conversation between God (a female) and Mack, a very hurt and confused man, seeking some sort of relief from his pain.

OR

God speaking directly to you...

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. " She paused to let Mack think about her statement. "You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around."

"Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you."

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly...and if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

Excerpt from THE SHACK by William P. Young (chapter 6)

A twisted world...

2008-11-04T20:40:00.003-06:00

"Enjoy prosperity while you can. But when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. That way you will realize that nothing is certain in this life." Ecclesiastes 7:14

God warned us--or at least he tried. He tried to tell us that we won't be prosperous forever. He tried to tell us that he giveth and he taketh away. He tried to tell us that nothing in this life is forever.

But yet, still we place bets on things of this world.
But yet, we lose money in the stock market and are utterly surprised that our gamble wasn't a sure thing.
But yet, we pay more money for gas and get angry when we have to, because gas prices didn't stay low forever.
But yet, we are angry and frustrated with a government that is ruled by the same God as you and I are...and as God promised us that nothing is certain, so it is for America.
But yet, we live our lives manifesting beliefs and behaviors and feelings that do not embrace the truth.

This is the truth of Ecclesiastes and of Matthew and of Luke--of Jesus. We can not store up treasure in heaven. We cannot place importance on the things of this world, we struggle to embrace that the difficulties of this world--of your own world--are still controlled by a sovereign God.

So what if?!

What if we spent more time sharing the gospel than checking our money market account?
What if we mowed our neighbors yard instead of watching just one more episode of mindless television?
What if we invested our lives in future generations by serving in student ministry or children's ministry?
What if we listened to a single parent unload their burdens and sorrows, without offering any other solution but "Call out to Jesus"?
What if we did what we were told and focused on God and the things of God and the ways of God?

Could it make a difference? Could it make a difference in your bank account or your gas tank? Could it make a difference in your marriage? Could it make a difference on the success of your children??

God promises in Matthew 6--Seek the kingdom FIRST and then I will give you all you need!

All of it...
peace
joy
gentleness
kindness
self control

So what's wrong? Why don't we do it? WHY DON'T YOU DO IT? What's your excuse?

Happy Birthday Archie

2008-10-31T09:19:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to Archie---a good friend and mentor of humor who lives in San Antonio. He's a great man of God and he and his beautiful wife Cora have been key in me and Michael's walk with God through our hardest times!

Archie had a birthday request: for his blog to hit 10,000 today!

Visit him! Say Happy Birthday, find his humor and constant seeking of God, and allow it to inspire you!

www.37stories.wordpress.com

My Message

2008-10-30T09:03:00.002-05:00

Wanna hear my message I delivered this past weekend at church???

www.cotcfamily.com

On the homepage is a link to RECENT MESSAGES .... Click on 10-26-2008

Hope it will bless you!!!

Gentle AND Quiet??

2008-10-29T15:38:00.003-05:00

When I got married, Miriam performed my ceremony. She spoke directly to me--and AT ME--and called me to have a gentle and quiet spirit in my marriage. HA HA HA everyone laughed. If you know me, QUIET I am not. I have an opinion about pretty much everything. I don't claim to be right, nor am I opposed to learning new ideas, but chances are, I've already formed some sort of opinion about well --pretty much everything.

I've learned that this gentle and quiet spirit is not just for me in my marriage, but the constant reminder that God whispers in my ear, when I shut up long enough to hear his voice. I move forward quickly, focused on the vision of the future. I desire to do the best and serve God with the best that he deserves.

But yet I'm reminded again of my need for a gentle and quiet spirit. Often my excitement mixed with my passion for excellence gets in the way from being GENTLE. Even more often, the things I know to be right--because God said so--often get in the way of me being QUIET.

I'm challenging myself to stop the mind chatter. To allow peace to wash over my spirit, so that I can truly focus on what God has called me to do... To encourage, to love--whatever that looks like.

The new ministry that God has set before me is filled with challenges and obstacles, and my mind races with the million things I want to do, now not later. The million things I know would honor God, now not later. The functioning of the church body that would bring people to Christ, now not later.

But a gentle and quiet spirit, waiting on the Lord...

"So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD, and it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline." Lamentations 3:26-27

Wait for God to provide the way: to save your marriage, for the next step in your ministry, to get you the job you are so desperate for, to pay your bills.

And have a gentle and quiet spirit, submit to his way of doing things--not your own. When we are anxious and worried, frazzled and frustrated, it is not his yoke, it is our own.

Take on his yoke, it will give us the much rest we need to remain gentle--and quiet!

Empty Pockets

2008-10-27T21:32:00.002-05:00

I officially started my new job today! Yay me! I know I'm going to love it, but please pray for all the work to be done. I also spoke this week at church! It was a tough crowd on Saturday, and had some technical difficulties first service, but overall, I think God did some amazing things.

I do love to speak, I hate the moments leading up to it--for I'm always super anxious. But more than speaking, I love how God uses it to challenge people, and draw them closer to Him. I love the moments after I speak, wherever it is, when I get people telling me their stories, or inviting me to pray with them. I love to see people's raw pain, not because I'm a hater--but because I know that God is on the brink of showing them something, or he is changing them, growing them.

And He is forever faithful to show me new things about him. He showed me to cling to His Word this weekend, and that I must have bigger eyes and a softer heart. He gave me a new compassion for those who are lost and struggling than I've ever experienced before. Over and over I heard, I can't get a job, I have no gas money. I had to tell my child "no" this week because I couldn't afford it, with tears flowing down. I'm tellin' you, if I would've had a hundred bucks in my pocket this weekend, --my pockets would be empty.

Random Chatter

2008-10-24T09:46:00.003-05:00

So I haven't officially started my job, but nonetheless I've been working. I'm presenting the message this weekend at school, and I attended my first staff meeting. I know I'm going to love my job...

Getting an a rhythm will be a challenge, but doable. In Florida, the kids go to school at irrational times.... Cody goes to school from 8-2:15 and Alyssa from 9-4:15...Alyssa is running (and I use that term loosely) Track right now, so she doesn't get out until 6. Makes for an awkward day, especially since I work about a 40 minute drive from mi casa.

Zac will chill with Michael during the day until I go to work full time... This means he will watch a lot of TV, being Michael gets off work at 6am.

Alyssa is loving Track, but has yet to find her place. Cody, I think, is feeling a little lost right now. He's still trying to make close friends and school is boring boring boring him--as it is Alyssa....Both of them have straight A's...and not just A's but more like 100s. This is a good thing, and yes my children are smart--but they are also bored. The Florida school district is not what I expected, and in a lot of ways, sub-standard compared to Texas. Gratefully, Florida does not teach children to pass a test, so we don't have the TAKS pressure, but they definitely do not intentionally challenge children. If I want that type of education, I have to put them in private school---which is a popular choice amongst Floridians... However, the tuition would be the equivalent of a mortgage payment in a very affluent neighborhood....

Public school it is...

Michael is working on his Master's and being amazingly supportive of me--no surprise. He's feeling a little relief now that I will start working--so he will be able to maybe sleep some before the end of the year.

We are excited that Me and the kids will come to Texas for Christmas! YAYYYYYY, but the bad news is--Michael has to work, so I will spend Christmas apart from him. That sucks, but my grandmother's health is quickly deteriorating, and with that comes the necessity for my trip home.

Zac will be 4 in the next few weeks, and wants a "TV, with a DBD and mote" for his room---dream on, buddy!

We are excited about Halloween---Alyssa will be a 50's girl, Cody a skeleton and Zac a Soldier. Won't be the same to go trick or treating without all the cousins, but the kids are excited because our neighborhood is decked out in pumpkins and Caution tape...

Please pray for my message this weekend---feeling a bit anxious....

Enough random chatter... have a fantastic weekend.

Time to Make the Donuts

2008-10-20T20:23:00.003-05:00

For those of you who bet that I would get back into full time ministry before Christmas, it's time to collect your winnings! I tried--I really tried to take a sabbatical of sorts. Take some time, settle in to the new home, the new state, the new life. But duty calls, and people--it's time to make the donuts!

God has orchestrated a perfect ministry position for me, and I'm so grateful to be the new Children's Ministry Director of Church of the Cross. I have a wonderful opportunity to use God's gifts in me and the wisdom I've gained over the last few years to re-construct an inner city children's ministry.

Never did I imagine that God will place me in this type of position again i.e Children's Ministry, but I'm so excited--almost giddy--about the chance. Please pray for me as me and my family enter into this ministry...as some of you know...doing ministry is a Family Life Commitment, not just a job you go to.

I've also been asked to give the teaching this upcoming weekend. I covet your prayers as I prepare and for those who come to church this weekend to truly hear God's truth.

On a completely different and irrelevant note: I LOVE DUNKIN' DONUTS and they are everywhere in the Tampa area.... I love me some munchkin's, let me tell you. I would much prefer to eat the donuts than to make them.... as would my husband.

I always thought that the whole : Cop Heart Donuts thing was a shallow stereotype--Not so much... Michael loves donuts...the older and staler, the better.

Once I purchased donuts for a Saturday morning breakfast---yep, I feed my children sugary empty calories to begin their day--and it was probably before a basketball or volleyball game, too. Anyhow, they didn't all get eaten...the following Saturday--I kid you not---Michael was looking for those donuts, that I had thrown out days before. He tells me, "I put those donuts on the microwave so they could get a few days older. That's when they are the best!"

I've completely lost my focus! So allow me to sum up my post:

1. I have a new amazing great job in Children's Ministry--collect your prize money.

2. I need your prayers for my upcoming talk.

3. I love Dunkin' Donuts--eating them, not making them.

4. My husband can be very disgusting--yet I adore him!

Are you a Pastor's Kid...

2008-10-15T14:06:00.004-05:00

I was walking with a neighbor the other day who's lived in this area a lot longer than I have. I was listening to her embellish on the lives of every family and their situation. We passed by one house and she said, "That's where those boys live that cause so much trouble. Their dad's a pastor, yah, right--you'd never figure that one. They sure don't act like pastor's kids!"

That got me thinkin'....

What exactly is a Pastor's kid suppose to act like??????

And Jesus said, "A sinner, who needs me, just like everyone else!"

I too, have found myself quick to judge kids from "Christian Families" --finding myself more forgiving to the unbelievers--the truly lost.... but willing to "tsk tsk" at the pastor's child.

What an amazing moment that God showed me a prejudice in my own life...

How much pressure is it to be a pastor's child?

Beyond my evening walk, I asked myself this as I am getting ready to re-enter ministry. How will my own children be judged? and quickly condemned by this world for being--human?? What can I do as a parent to equip them to stay focused on the purpose, of loving and serving Jesus, no matter what?!

I don't have all the answers, but I do feel that 1/2 the battle is won because God was so faithful to illuminate this particular piece of a very complex puzzle.

I pray that as I minister to other hurting children in a sinful, fallen world, that I won't miss the opportunity to minister to my OWN hurting children in this sinful fallen world.

And to all of you Pastor's Kids...Thank you for unknowingly submitting to the fulfillment of the Great Commission--and sacrificing a part of yourself for that...I know it couldn't have been easy!

What I Did on Saturday...

2008-10-12T17:53:00.001-05:00

New Project

2008-10-06T15:13:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited, God laid on my heart a few months ago to start an online Bible Study. I've been working on this project, the curriculum, the logistics...and I know that God is going to do great things with it.

The name of the Bible Study is

EMBRACING ::

The first (9) weeks will be God, then we will move to Jesus and then the Spirit.

The teachings will be basic, fundamental theology of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Every belief and action that we have stems from what we believe about God. So if we can embrace the truth of God, then, well, we just might be able to embrace that abundant life we are promised!

This is the way it will work:

We will conduct the study through a BLOG.

You will need a "Study Buddy" --a person you can build community with, minister to, fellowship with, grow with...

Sunday evening will pose a THOUGHT QUESTION, that you will simply respond to with your immediate ideas/beliefs.

Monday will have a teaching on the truth connected to the Question.

You will have until Wednesday to post new thoughts and ask questions...those questions and thoughts will be discussed through Saturday.

You will be required to spend time with your Study Buddy connecting and talking about the truth and how it applies to your life. You can do that however and whenever that works for the both of you. You can even do this study with someone in another city or state.

We will go through 9 truths of God's character, and learn how to apply those truths to your life.

PARTICIPATION THROUGH POSTING IS REQUIRED...

Who is this Study for?

YOU....

Someone who is struggling in a specific area that relates to seeing God for who he really is...

An unbeliever who is willing to explore God but not willing to Go to church.

A busy person who just can't commit to weekly scheduled meetings...this study gives you flexibility.

A new believer who needs to understand who God really is.

What you will need...

A Study Buddy

A Bible

A computer with Internet connection

A gmail/blogger account... (Free at www.gmail.com)

I'm praying about when to start this study. Please let me know if you're interested in being a part of it....

Happy Birthday to....

2008-10-04T15:37:00.005-05:00

BEEFCAKE!

Yes--its is Cody's 9th birthday today...I'm half way through with him! Well, I guess I'm never really through.

Cody is a phenomenal child. If you've ever spent more than a minute with him, you would be forced to agree. He is extremely talented--artistically. He draws, plays guitars and writes music. I don't know if he will be a worship pastor or rock star OR if he will pursue his love for drawing or be one of the "new upcoming talents in the gaming industry"!

What I DO know is that he will be a man of God who relentlessly pursues the sanctification of his faith. He will be an amazing husband and father, patient and loving. He will influence the world with his laughter and absolute comedic personality. He will lead others and not fear sharing Jesus with the world.

About a month or so ago, Cody discovered some friends in the neighborhood. It was a drizzly day, but the boys were all playing football at the end of our street--about a block or so away. The rain was coming down pretty hard so I decided to drive--yes DRIVE ONE BLOCK---to go check on him. He was sitting on the curb talking to one of his new friend's cousins.

I allowed his mud filled, drenched body to get in my car. This is how the conversation went:

Me: "Did you have fun? Watch your shoes, you're full of mud?"

C: Ya, but it was getting to rainy.

Me: Who was that?

C: Oh, he was a cousin. I was telling him about God.

Me: What did ya tell him?

C: He doesn't really even know who Jesus is, so I told him that Jesus died on the cross for his sins. And we have to trust him in our heart so that we can be with him and not have to go to hell.

Me: Wow! What did he say?

C: Who's Jesus?

Me: and you said...

C: He's God's son, and he died for you...

Me: And then...

C: And then YOU drove up and interrupted us.

A few weeks ago, this same cousin moved into the house with Cody's friends because his parents are going through a divorce. Cody has welcomed him as a friend of his own, and the four boys together are a package deal. You get one, you get them allllll.

Cody will have no fear about proclaiming the Gospel...and because of that, Cody will always be faced with persecution--much as he is right now in school...and constantly changing friends. But I know that he will be strong enough to endure. And the difficulties he confronts now, will only build him into a great Warrior for God.

I'm blessed with his big brown eyes, his beautiful smile...and how just because he says, "Mom, I love you!" He talks when he needs to, and laughs because he wants to. I'm grateful for the blessing he is in my life, and grateful that God has allowed me to learn in my relationship with Cody.

Happy Birthday, Cody Beefcake! I surely love and adore you!

Moment of Insanity

2008-10-02T18:30:00.003-05:00

So I just spent the last few hours in the local "Family Hair Salon" watching all three of my children get haircuts....

Rachel, the salon owner, just moved to our area from Baw-ston... She's precious and brash, and to the point. She has no problem telling my children when they are acting like brats. She kindly reminds the kids that she cuts hair and is NOT a maid so "clean up ya mess."

As I was paying and shooing the children outside, she offered me a glass of wine...I must've looked spent...

Lessons I learned this evening??

-Let your kids sarcastically be called a brat by someone else, because it's good for their character.
-Don't defend them, let them work out their own relationships(within reason, of course!)
-Don't take all three children to get haircuts at once. (What was I thinking??)

Patience = Faith

2008-10-01T16:04:00.003-05:00

Psalm 37:7 "Be still in the presence of the LORD and wait patiently for him to act..."

Webster.com says this:

pa·tient
Pronunciation: \ˈpā-shənt\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of pati to suffer; perhaps akin to Greek pēma suffering
Date: 14th century

1: bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint 2: manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3: not hasty or impetuous
4: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5 a: able or willing to bear

[emphasis mine]

In a nutshell:

Without complaint, be steadfast and willing to deal with the suffering you are enduring...whatever that looks like for you. Don't take things into your own hands, wait for God, and allow yourself to 'easily' take on whatever is coming your way... Utter no sound, be completely free from noise or disturbance --in your mind and heart--and don't try and move from where you are at. Just wait and be patient....

Patience sounds a lot like faith to me...

It brings to mind I Corinthians 13 Love is patient.... How interesting that Patience was listed first.... perhaps because we need it the most. But as we are still, patiently waiting on the LORD to answer whatever for us....jobs, health, marriages, finances...our patience must come from Love for God..The Love that we discovered the minute we understood the sacrifice made for us...

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes....So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear son...But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead!" Ephesians 1 and 2 verses here and there.

God loves us...we love him...God chose us...we must give him a chance to accomplish all the he promised in our lives.

Patience.

First Day of School--months ago!

2008-09-27T19:43:00.001-05:00

Catchin' Up on the Photos! A trip to Busch Gardens

2008-09-27T19:20:00.001-05:00

Courageous AND Cute!

2008-09-27T18:51:00.001-05:00

First Revelation in the Silence...

2008-09-26T12:02:00.002-05:00

Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world,
That fight for our love, and our passion,
As our eyes are open wide and on you.
Grant us the privilege of your world view,
And may your kingdom be, what wakes us up, and lays us down.

Wordless

2008-09-24T08:49:00.004-05:00

I'm not afraid of the silence. As a counselor, you can't be. Silence is when the Holy Spirit comes and moves in the hearts of the hurting. When you are waiting to watch God at work, Silence is exciting. On the flip side, when you are waiting for God to work on you, Silence is brutal.

In the Bible there were periods of silence... LONG periods of silences....THOUSANDS of years of silence...but I don't think that this meant God was on vacation, doing nothing.

I know I'm not the only person who seemingly experiences God's silence. The question remains: Is God truly silent in our lives OR Is it merely our perception?

In order to answer this question, I must examine the character of God. The truth of who He is.
God is LOVE
God is HOLY
God is GOOD.

LOVE. Eternal. Sacrificing. No ending, no beginning. God IS love. Selfless. God loves perfectly(see holy) and continuously. God is the source of all love. Any love we receive or give, God is the source, because only he IS love. He is the God of love and there is the love of God. Both, simultaneously. God is LOVE

HOLINESS. Perfection. Above you and me. Purity. Passive and active. God is holy because he is and God is holy because it is his purpose. Set Apart. God is HOLY

GOODNESS. Kind. Fullness of good. "He is so good that he gives all and received nothing....Nothing hath goodness but from him" Mercy. Grace. Patient. Abundant. Caring. "There is none good but one, that is God." Mark 10:18. God is GOOD.

These characteristics of God are truth. Although God may allow us to make mistakes or give us space to figure things out ourselves, it is not by ill intent. God's motivation is always love and holiness and goodness. It would be against the very nature of his being to be otherwise.

As I struggle to see God as this judge on a throne, picking his next lightening rod to chunk at my head because I have done something wrong, I must allow the silence of my heart to mediate on the truth of God's qualities. His perfection and being of love can and only desires goodness for my life and yours.

I'm reminded of how this works in relationship with my own children. My daughter likes to talk...incessently. She tells me every detail of almost every aspect of her life--minus boys, of course. I don't always respond to everything, because, well, she talks so much. But I do listen, and take in what she's saying or asking me for. It gives me opportunity to paint a clearer picture of her character, her faults, her desires. I store her ideas from her mindless chatter for that moment--that exact moment she needs me most to connect with her, or teach her or just love her.

My silence is not motivated by disappointment or anger or even frustration. Most of the time, I'm just listening.

I think, God's love and holiness and goodness sometimes allows him to just listen. And there are moments that I must be wordless, so that God has a chance to respond in his love and holiness and goodness...at the precise moment...I need it most.

Silence

2008-09-22T14:42:00.003-05:00

I'm a busy person. When I'm not busy, I create busy. I give myself things to do, and put deadlines and pressure on myself. My self-imposed lists give me a false sense of contribution. I'm not the one to sit by and let you do it all. I'll take care of it. My husband is working, quite literally, 4 jobs right now. Yes, Four. He's working for the government and started another job at the hospital today. He's done as much Active Duty for the Reserves as possible, while running a side business of Recruiting for the Army Reserves. There have been days that he's worked 32 hours in a row, came home and slept for 3 or 4 hours, and then gone on to the next job or appointment. And during all of this, he's still interviewing and looking for jobs to make our life better.

The economy sucks...and we're just not making it. So to sit in silence, and do nothing, is very difficult for me. But that is what he's asking me to do. Now understand, sitting in silence doesn't mean "Do Nothing" but that's what my flesh keeps telling me...to be silent means to do nothing... But the truth is, to be silent means to be with God...commune with Him, petition before him...know him more intimately, become more like him... I found this...take the time to read it. I just shared it with my dear friend in Texas who has encouraged me to be still and know that HE is God.

"We cannot put ourselves directly in the presence of God if we do not practice internal and external silence.

In silence we will find new energy and true unity. Silence gives us a new outlook on everything. The essential thing is not what we say but what God says to us and through us. In that silence, He will listen to us; there He will speak to our soul and there we will hear his voice.

Listen in silence because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God. But when you have listened to the voice of God in the stillness of your heart, then your heart is filled with God.

The contemplatives and ascetics of all ages and all religions have sought God in the silence and solitude of the desert, forest and mountains. Jesus himself spent forty days in the desert and mountains, communing for long hours with the Father in the silence of the night.

We too are called to withdraw at certain intervals into deeper silence and aloneness with God, together as a community as well as personally. To be alone with him,--not with our books, thoughts and memories but completely stripped of everything--to dwell lovingly in his presence, silent, empty, expectant, and motionless. We cannot find God in noise or agitation.

In nature we find silence--the trees, flowers and grass growing in silence. The stars, the moon and the sun move in silence.

Silence of the heart is necessary so you can hear God everywhere -- in the closing of a door, in the person who needs you, in the birds that sing, in the flowers, in the animals.

What is essential is not what we say but what God tells us and what He tells others through us. In silence, He listens to us; in silence He speaks to our souls. In silence we are granted the privilege of listening to His voice.

To make possible true inner silence, practice:

Silence of the eyes, by seeking always the beauty and goodness of God everywhere, closing them to the faults of others and to all that is sinful and disturbing to the soul;

Silence of the ears, by listening always to the voice of God and to the cry of the poor and the needy, closing them to all other voices that come from fallen human nature, such as gossip, tale-bearing and uncharitable words;

Silence of the tongue, by praising God and speaking the life-giving Word of God that is the Truth that enlightens and inspires, brings peace, hope and joy, and by refraining from self-defense and every word that causes darkness, turmoil, pain and death;

Silence of the mind, by opening it to the truth and knowledge of God in prayer and contemplation, like Mary who pondered the marvels of the Lord in her heart, and by closing it to all untruths, distractions, destructive thoughts, rash judgments, false suspicions of others, revengeful thoughts and desires;

Silence of the heart, by loving God with our heart, soul, mind and strength and one another as God loves, and avoiding all selfishness, hatred, envy, jealousy and greed.

I shall keep the silence of my heart with greater care, so that in the silence of my heart I hear His words of comfort and from the fullness of my heart I comfort Jesus in the distressing disguise of the poor. For in the silence and purity of the heart, God speaks!"

-Mother Teresa

The interesting thing about reading the words of Mother Teresa and knowing I must be silent, and still, is that most of my prayers these days go something like this: "God, I just don't know what to say anymore..." then SILENCE.

Give Him Permission

2008-09-17T23:01:00.003-05:00

My life is currently, seemingly, at a stand still. Things aren't moving backwards, but definitely aren't moving forward either. I spend a lot of time alone, and for those in BlogWorld who know me, you know that, frankly, it's just not me. You would think in the stillness of life, I would hear the voice of God. You would think in the calmness of my world, I would reflect and grow wiser. You would think in the moments of nothingness I would relish in my relationship with God and be grateful for the time. You would think...

I'm learning how to be a different me. I'm forced to push myself to experience God apart from ministry. God is challenging me to look within, and see me without. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing in this world makes you realize the person you truly are like spending time with yourself.

Do you think you like the person you are? Could you say, "Hey, I'm a pretty good person!" "I love God, I pursue Him, I want to serve Him." What happens when God puts a mirror in front of you that reflects the real you? Not the tall skinny mirror in the department store YOU, but the true, honest, real you.

Never done that before? I challenge you. Psalm 139: 23-24

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

Allow me: "All knowing God, I give you permission to not just know the inner thoughts and condition of my heart like you already do, but show me too. And try me, test my faith and all the goodness I "think" I am. I give you permission to show me how my thoughts are filled with fear. Please, point out in me all the ways that my sinful life does not align with your perfect nature. Put those things that hurt you, scar you, nail your hands to the cross right in front of me so that I can't miss them. And as you do, lead me, show me how to change, and grow. And allow the pain of the growth to forever transform my life into an everlasting life that would reflect who you are. I give you permission."

You want change? you want to go deeper in your relationship with God??? Give Him Permission and then open your eyes....

I think Tina Fey IS Sarah Palin

2008-09-15T08:31:00.004-05:00

I stole this from a sister blog and couldn't pass up the chance to share the laughs with you...cracked me up...hope you can laugh with me...

Rated PG for some language

I can't stop weeping...

2008-09-11T08:27:00.000-05:00

Back to the rest of the story...

2008-09-09T20:12:00.003-05:00

So let's get back on track. I've been in my hermit shell for a week now...and I figure it's time to exit, check out the weather, and see how life is doing beyond Tiffany.

I want to finish up my story on how God provided for us to be here in Florida. I was reminded of what an amazing blessing it is for us to be here this morning. I was sitting on a towel, watching Zac contently play in his huge sandbox that we like to call the beach. As I watched him, the backdrop was a gorgeous, clear blue ocean, with boats trickling by, and islands standing firm in the distance.

In that moment I just praised God for his hand, and confessed my ungrateful heart for all he did for us. It is solely by his hand that we are here. Here's the math...

$900 plane tickets for me and the kids to fly
$1500 needed for gas and travel expenses
$3000 to move into the house
$400 for groceries when we got there
$400 in plane fare for my Traveling Team to get back to Texas
$1250 for first months rent that would be due two weeks after we moved in.

Total needed: $7,450
Current Available Balance: $12
KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Plane tickets for me and the kids, given to us freely by a gracious family.
$0.00
Plane Fare for my Traveling team provided for by a gracious mom.
$0.00
Sunday before we moved, generous gifts from amazing family and friends who have yet to receive a thank you card, but forever touched my life through their love and generosity
$1500
Tuesday before me and the kids moved, a generous friend provided money for us, that was completely unexpected and totally humbling.
$800
Wednesday that the Traveling Team Arrived in Florida in need of move in money, school funding came through and was deposited into our account
$3,200
First month rent, after months of fighting with our leasing company in Texas, they refunded a majority of our money
$1400

Total provided: $8,200

Leftover available balance $750 (not including our $12, thank you very much!!)

And in the meantime, Michael got a paycheck or two, so we could pay our current bills and eat--at least twice a day! :)

As I look back, I know now faith requires us to keep moving forward. When the Wednesday came and we didn't know how we were going to pay for the house, I just said, "God you're gonna have to do it!" I packed up our stuff, and got on the plane. I had NO idea HOW he would provide, but I knew he would. That's our problem, we want to know HOW. We trust the promise, but that question only shows God that we don't really believe in the promisemaker.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

James 2:21-25

Don't you remember that our ancestor Abraham was shown to be right with God by his actions when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? [KEEP MOVING FORWARD] You see, his faith and his actions worked together. His actions made his faith complete. And so it happened just as Scriptures say: "Abraham believed God [the promisemaker] and God counted him as righteous because of his faith." He was even called the friend of God. So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone. ....Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

Supernatural Strength.

2008-08-29T12:35:00.003-05:00

One of the major struggles I faced during my "moving [forward] experience" was my physical health. Michael was gone so I embraced a pseudo-single motherhood. Three stressed out kids, packing the house, counseling, ministry, phone calls, tying up loose ends, and on the list goes---all of it took a toll on me physically. About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've struggled with it every since. I was diagnosed younger than most, but was grateful that it wasn't cancer, or RA or any of the other off the wall things I was originally diagnosed with.

This painful autoimmune disease has remained a thorn in my side. I have times of freedom and times of complete captivity. Having fibromyalgia requires me to rest- ha ha--and sleep well, exercise, eat right ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And even then there are no guarantees that in the morning you'll wake up free of pain.

So amidst all the chaos in my life, I asked God for Supernatural Strength. I knew I couldn't move boxes or lift furniture or do all of the things I needed to accomplish with out God literally coming into my body and taking over.

Fibromyalgia effects me so deeply sometimes that I literally can't be touched by my husband, or climb the stairs. There are mornings that I lay in bed wanting to cry and praying for strength to just make it to the shower.

I don't tell you this for any reason but to glorify God. Because of him I did the physically impossible. I cleaned and packed and moved boxes of books. I took care of my children and worked and went to school. God literally gave me favor and energized me day after day after day. It felt amazing to feel "normal." Even if only for a few months.

God showed himself Faithful yet again in a very difficult time. I will say it's amazing to look back and see what I'm capable of when I'm willing to admit that I can't do it, and that God is the only one who can.

Now, I'm still struggling. A few days ago I couldn't climb the stairs and I've struggled with sleep--like always. But primarily because Michael and I have a bed that is hard as a rock. We had a great family offer to give us a free kingsize mattress before we moved. We got rid of the 15 year old queensize with the hole in the middle when we left Texas.

HERE'S A LITTLE ADVICE--BEFORE you say yes to a free mattress, you should try and lay on it! BEFORE you get rid of your old mattress, that you THINK is uncomfortable, you should try your new FREE mattress. :)

The mattress is in good condition, but feels like you're sleeping on the floor. Needless to say, I haven't slept since we've moved here--maybe 2-3 hours at a time, here and there...but have...not...slept....and I don't...drink...coffee...

I'm doing better today. I've been forcing myself to swim a little and walk a little, and exercise helps.

Could use a nap, though!

Even though I wasn't completely "delivered" from my ailment, I'm okay with that, because I know that God will be faithful to give me what I need when I need it to accomplish the work HE wants me to accomplish. The same for your life... God will provide all you need to accomplish HIS work--HIS work, not yours. God's intervention with my physical health is a reminder of his power and a yet another piece of evidence that moving to Florida was in God's hands...

A little inspiration from Paul Harvey coming your way...

2008-08-25T16:02:00.006-05:00

So I kept moving forward. A few days before Michael flew to Texas to "pick us up" my mom, my sister-in-law, Traci and my younger brother's dad, Andy, came over to help me 'finish up packing' HAHA. Actually I had accomplished plenty, but there was still lots to be done.

I spent most of that day on the phone with Michael because we didn't have a house in Florida. I was packing to move nowhere. In addition to that, our leasing company in Texas was not allowing us out of our lease without drastic financial ramifications. We were moving in a week, without a house to go into and with a huge mess in the current house we lived in.

In addition to this, we didn't have the money.

Now, this is not unusual for us. 99.9% of the time we don't have the money. We made tough choices throughout the course of our marriage for me to stay in ministry and not go back into the 'real world'. Michael had struggled for 5 years finding a descent paying career--so us having little to no money is normal. Even now--today-it is normal. It is not optimal, but has become our regular everyday cross to bear. No money. Not even today.

But knowing we had no money to move across country (it costs at a minimum $5000 to move from Texas to Florida--for those of you who are thinking about moving here to be closer to me...) I digress... :)

I would find myself in moments of panic and then I would say to God, "Well, you'll just have to do it...cuz I'm not thinking it can happen."

Michael still had not secured our house in Florida but he flew into Texas anyway--Keep Moving Forward.

Saturday, we picked up the Penske--after we paid for the moving truck, we had $12 in our account--and it was a Saturday. No banking left to do, no money to come in. We were moving on Monday and we had $12 to our name... We were loading the van, and I looked up to the heavens and said, "God if this isn't faith, I don't know what is..."

And we are in Florida---so God did something miraculous...can't wait to tell you The rest of the story....

What did you learn on the playground?

2008-08-21T18:49:00.003-05:00

Share your thoughts with me at BEYOND THE BEHAVIOR.

So....

2008-08-21T17:59:00.005-05:00

I won't bore you any longer with the: Then Michael said, then I said, then Michael said, then I said. I thought it was important for you to know the exact order of events. So regardless of the painstaking part of the story--it is important for you to know. Why? I'm so glad you asked...

Because this is the moment that God began to grow my faith. I didn't think it would happen. I doubted and groaned, and refused to pack. I'd been here before TWICE and this time didn't feel any different. Besides of course--the whole audible voice of God whispering "you're too comfortable." But that could've meant anything right?

Don't you hate it when you take a moment that God bestows his glory on and humanize it? And looking back, if only if only if only --you could just embrace it?

So I cried a lot during that time. Michael was gone, and I knew that as soon as he came back he would be gone again. We've spent a significant amount of time apart over the last year and it has definitely affected our marriage. I didn't want to do this without him, this is not how I had it pictured.

But I moved forward. In fact, that was my mantra "Keep Moving Forward." I stole that from Disney's Meet the Robinsons. Walt Disney was about Forward Movement---and luckily so is Jesus.

Jesus, his entire ministry, moved forward. Even with the knowledge of his painstaking execution, Jesus moved forward. Jesus moved forward while doing ministry, even though there was still ministry to be done in the city he was leaving. Jesus moved forward even when to the finite minds of the disciples, it didn't make sense.

So I embraced that, and I moved forward, without money, without ministry, without a church, without a husband. If God wanted it, it would have to be him, because I was completely aware of my incapability (is that a word? I sound like a pastor, making up words and all!)

I packed, I prayed, I cried, I missed my husband. I smiled, and I kept moving forward. Nothing made sense...and even now, so much is still a ball of confusion. BUT you just keep moving forward...and as I did, God revealed himself to me. He supplied and calmed and provided and loved me... Just keep moving forward.

We are moving...

2008-08-12T22:51:00.000-05:00

You are a God of miracles and wonders. Psalm 77:14

I sat in the midst of Sunday morning worship. The offering plate was passing, I was people watching, soaking in the entire environment that surrounded me—which I often do. Another child of God baptized, a worship song I loved, people giving praise to God. I glanced around the room and thought to myself, “I love my church, I love where I’m at.”

God gently whispered, “You are too comfortable.” My spirit quickened.

The moment I heard those words, I knew my life would change, and change drastically. I know God never wants us to get to a place of comfort in our life, in our marriage, in our ministry. He desires change, which leads to transformation, which leads to suffering, which leads to complete dependency on Him. I knew, I knew, from that moment forward, things would never be the same.

Nothing changed. Not immediately anyway. Until Michael, my sweet husband of almost five years, announced to me that he needed something different. Our life here wasn’t working out, he was still struggling to find a place—a career. There were job openings in Tampa, he was thinking of transferring. “Okay, if you think that’s best, go for it. I love you and will follow you anywhere but Alaska!” ( I hate the cold—as does my body!)

Before I move on, please understand a few things. Michael has struggled with finding a career path in Texas since the beginning of our marriage. All jobs he’s worked have simply been for survival, nothing else. He’s worked because he’s had to support us. So Michael telling me that he’s going to attempt a new job, or transfer, or position, or interview or application process or hiring process is nothing new for me to hear. And this conversation about moving to Florida, about this job transfer, was one we entertained every 4 to 6 weeks for almost six years.

A few weeks later, I dropped off some lunch for him at the hospital. We were arguing and hadn’t really talked in a few days. As I hand him his bag from Subway he says to me, “I put in my transfer order, should take about 2 weeks before I know my start date in Florida.”

Okay, so this time he was serious. I knew once he put in for the transfer with the government, that was it…no turning back. Over the next two weeks I wore out the carpet in our bedroom pacing and praying…I do that, ya know. I pace. When I’m overwhelmed or concerned or worried…I walk around the house in circles with no particular place to go or task to accomplish. I just walk.

I told God, “God, if this is for real, I’m cool with it. I will go where you lead me. I will go where my husband needs to be. I will serve you no matter where I go or what I do. I will go.”

Two weeks later I get a call from Michael at work, “They want me to start at the beginning of June.”

“Start what, where?”

Michael patiently replies with a chuckle, “I told you we’re moving to Florida. In Tampa, they want me to start in June. But I have to do my AT for the military first, for 3 weeks. Then I’ll have to leave for Florida and you will have to take care of everything here.”

As I’m catching my breath and wondering how this all happened so quickly, “umm honey, we can’t move. We can’t get out of our lease, nor do we have five grand hanging around so that we can move. In fact, I’m not sure we can even pay rent this month.”

“We are moving.”

So begins the journey of God proving me wrong. In that moment we could NOT pay our rent. In that moment we could NOT get out of our lease. I imagine God felt the same of me as He did when he told Sarah she would have a child. Sarah laughed at God’s plan for her life—as did I.

Michael did his AT. I told my family, those I served in my counseling ministry, and the kids. "We’re moving.”

Prepare for the Story...

2008-08-12T01:13:00.005-05:00

God is ready for you to know his love and be encouraged at how he has worked in my life in this move to Florida...

If you aren't familiar with the story, reading these may help you understand Me and Michael's struggles. You will get a glimpse of our faith-- and most of the time, our faithlessness... More importantly, I pray that you will get a glimpse of God's faithfulness in our (5) year journey in moving to Florida.

First--take a peek at the obstacles we've encountered over the last 5 years--and know that this is the short short version, minus hardships and difficulties I wouldn't have time to even write--nor would you have the patience to read.
The Obstacles

And understand how this gift of obedience planted the seed of faith in our lives that we would need in order to endure the struggles we encountered over the last several months.
The Blessing

I will ask you to prepare your hearts, because God is great and conquers all fears. He proves himself to the faithless, and gives supernatural strength to the weak.

I will write our story over the course of a few days... I will willingly give Him the glory...and you will see a God of great expectation.

2008-08-07T22:43:00.002-05:00

TJ, Whatever will you do with all of those boxes???

2008-08-06T20:35:00.005-05:00

Well, our garage is still full of boxes, some full, some empty. The empty ones have been confiscated by the creative team--and this is what they've come up with.

Meet the new members of our family, designed by my intelligent children, who apparently need to go back to school.

Cody is the father of Robo 3000-- A robot who is programmed to watch guard of Cody's room, conveniently from the corner, as he collects dust. Additionally, he is programmed to aid pain and suffering to anyone who attempts to vacuum--as he is not assembled with the best adhesive.

Alyssa is the proud mother of Bella--a little puppy who is presently still--5 days later---sitting on the bottom of the stairs...which is the perfection indication of what would happen if we had a real dog.

Zac is the creative genius behind Wall-E, hmmm? WherEVER did he get that name?!

Karah and Kayla are spending the week with us...we're busy busy---and I've somehow come down with an awful painstaking headache---5 kids???

Hey TJ want any more kids....yah--uummmm NO!

This is NOT a Vacation, People! This is my life!!!!

2008-08-01T17:48:00.001-05:00

I was robbed...

2008-07-29T19:59:00.003-05:00

So I almost did it... Two days or so ago the kids and I were out and about, running some errands, chillin' at the Wal Mart... A Wal Mart with no lines and front row parking--seriously!

Anyhow, kids were hungry, Alyssa particularly dying for some good ole' Mexican food. As desperate as we were, we drove into the parking lot of Taco Bell---yes people---Taco Bell... I lived in San Antonio 31 years and NEVER NEVER ate at a Taco Bell. NEVER, I say! We drove into the parking lot...

"Should we try it?" Mom

"Umm, I dunno.... what if it's gross?" Alyssa, being optimistic with her "What if..."

"Yeah, it will probably be gross... We use to call it Taco Hell."

Chuckles from the back seat and then Cody says, "MOM! you can't say the H word."

Sigh. "Hmmm... I don't know...I'll leave it up to you guys." being the mom I am and not wanting to take any responsibility if they hate it.

Alyssa rationalizes, "But I'm dying for some nachos."

Cody logicalizes, "Yeah, we should probably just go over there to Burger King. At least we know what that tastes like."

Alyssa, "Yeah, I don't want to be sick later, plus I'm starving. Let's just go to Burger King."

Mom agrees, Zac doesn't care. Burger King it is.

TWO DAYS OR SO LATER...

Zac knocks on Mom's door while she's napping, "Mom, I was in Cody's room and I could smell a bean and cheese taco. Can we go get a Bean and Cheese taco?"

Mom says yes to pacify Zac so that she may continue her nap. Few minutes later, Zac is sitting at the door of mom's room singing a little ditty like this "hmmm hmmm hmmm. Bean and cheese taco....hmmm hmmm hmmmm Bean and cheese taco."

Now if I were smart, I would go to the local Winn Dixie and pick me up a can of refried beans, a bag of shredded cheese and then go home to whip out some homemade tortillas. But NOOOOOOOOOOO mom wants to be adventurous.

As I'm getting ready--Zac says..."Mom can we go eat bean and cheese tacos and meet Mr. Archie there??? "

Mom kindly replies, "Zac, Where does Mr. Archie live?"

Zac, "Texas."

Mom, "And we live in ..."

Zac fills in the blank, "Florida."

"Can we go eat tacos with Mr. Archie."

Zac laughs to himself, "no mom, we're too far. I forgot!"

So off we go....

We live on 19th ave.... if you take a left-- you turn toward Apollo Beach.. if you turn right--you turn toward Ruskin. Two different worlds, just one turn of the wheel apart.

Ruskin has lots of hole in the wall mexican restaurants. So me and the kids load up to explore.

We find a hole in the wall..hole in the wall...mexican restaurant. We decide to try.... There is a line, and people explaining how great the mexican food was there. I told them I was from Texas and looking for something comparable to the amazing Tex Mex food at home.

"Oh yeah, it's good here."

Cody wanted a "Wet" Burrito--Wet meaning chili on top...

Zac wanted --you guessed it--a bean and cheese taco...
"A what?" The lady asked.

B E A N AND C H E E S E T A C OOOO

"You want beans and cheese in a crispy shell?"

W H A T!?!

"UMMM, No Ma'am on a tortilla." I kindly replied

Alyssa and I decided to share nachos...

As the cook is a cookin', he says--"Beans and cheese on a tortilla? " to which the lady replies, "uh huuhhh."

Hmmmmm?

So we're eating and she rings us up...

how much??

what was that?

Did I hear you correctly?

squeeze me?

baking powder?

TWENTY SIX DOLLARS????

Yes people...26 American dollars for THE ABSOLUTE WORST MEXICAN FOOD I'VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

We walked out, and before the door closed behind us, Alyssa says ,"That was disgusting, let's never go there again!"

Do you KNOW how many cans of beans I could've bought for TWENTY SIX DOLLARS???

I was robbed...robbed... and assaulted..

all of our stomach's are killing us!

Do you think Jesus likes Mexican food??? Cause I need a Redeemer!!!

My beautiful...

2008-07-27T22:46:00.007-05:00

...daughter is turning eleven in 14 minutes Eastern time. She has been a season of my life that has changed me, grown me, transformed me. Her life challenges me to heal from my own childhood hurts and move forward into a future of promise and hope. Her constant giggle is contagious, and despite her deep intellect, she is the "funny girl in school." Her wit is savvy and will catch you completely off guard.

She is absolutely beautiful. Her Big Brown Eyes, her perfect brown hair with streaks of highlights that women pay hundreds of dollars for. Her smile is perfect and when she smiles at you, you can see it reflect in her eyes, in her entire being. She loves, and loves deeply. She cares about water running while you brush your teeth, and if she's wounded someone with her words.

She loves God, and I was blessed to be baptized with her three years ago. She takes personal offense when she goes to church and doesn't hear the word of God directly, or when other children her age don't take their faith seriously.

Her room is kept immaculate.

She talks incessantly, but that's because she's going to change the world with her passion filled words. I desire to protect her from entering middle school, because it's a terrible world, but I have faith in her soul and God's centrific force in her life. She will shed tears--I will cry with her, she will fear--I will fear with her, but she will be persevere. And as she fights through she will grow stronger, her character will reflect that of Jesus and I will only love her more.

She is my daughter. She is perfection. She is eleven. She is my definition of beautiful.

A cross at a church? Who would've thunk!?

2008-07-20T23:10:00.003-05:00

So Michael, the kids and I loaded up in our broken down Expedition (she's sputtering much since the long trip to Florida) and headed to a new church Sunday morning. I was quite the spoiled child in San Antonio--I lived 5 minutes from Grace Point. We had to trek 29 miles to the church we tried out. Yes, yes--there are churches that are closer. Michael and I scouted last Sunday and first--and superficially--looked at attire of congregants. If those who were going into the parking lots to get into their car were wearing a wardrobe that we can't afford--that church is out.

We own JEANS. Michael works in a uniform. The church must love us where we're at...

So I'm off to church--praying the truck won't break down---we had to take the truck---the car doesn't have A/C. NICE... We mapquest this church--which takes us down several unnecessary roads and tons of meaningless turns.

We find the church -- "open minded" "open minded" "open minded".

The Pastor says he's going to present the Gospel--Oh no--here we go...Jesus loves you -- even though you're a sinner---accept him. Amen. Don't get me wrong, it's the most beautiful story ever--but what I fear is the watered down message of the Gospel so that we can be "seeker sensitive". Boy was I pleaseantly surprised. NEVER have I heard the Gospel presented in such a way.

Using Luke 3--line by line the Pastor( I will call him The Pastor not to protect his identity but simply because I don't know his name)anyway...line by line, he went through explaining the history of the passage, the importance of it to us...he then as he presented the actual Gospel to unbelievers, he invited believers to pray for those who did not believe, that they might come to a relationship with Him.

He did an old fashioned alter call --asking those to raise their eyes and their bodies in affirmation of commitment to Christ. I couldn't believe--there were 30 people who stood up--He asked them to all come forward then the elders and church staff prayed over them---

Being the people watcher I am I looked around, and in the row in front of me were two women weaping uncontrollable as their family member --dad/husband of about 55 years old--walked to the front. Tears streamed down my face because I realized I had the privelege of witnessing a prayer being answered while a child of God was saved. Those women probably prayed for months if not years that this man know Jesus--and Sunday he did!

It was beautiful. Cody thought the coffee shop was beautiful--Alyssa thought the carpeted worship center was beautiful--Zachry thought the free popcorn was beautiful.

And--for an extra shot of love from my God --there were Crosses on the property--yes you heard me --Crosses! They flew the Christian flag on their flag post, and there were two crosses on either side of the worship center in what they call "Worship Stations" ...places you can go during worship to write down prayer requests for yourself--or go to the prayer wall where you can write the names of unbelievers you are praying for. Or take communion--which is offered every week.

You would think the cross is something that would be at every church but it's not--and for those who know my stance on this --you know how important the cross is to me and to the church body. I won't get on the soap box.

So anyhow...so far this church is good--we will commit to it for about a month--so that God can lead...and then maybe try another. Either way--where ever I end up--this church was Spirit filled ---and I asked God to reveal that to me--that we were in a Spirit filled church--and He did.

It felt so good to be in church.

Hellloooo from Florida

2008-07-18T19:35:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone out there in BLOG World.... We are officially in Florida. Somewhat settled and terribly exhausted. Michael and Team had a good trip here, and so did me and the kiddos. The kids had a great first flight, with complimentary all you can drink Dr. Pepper (therefore all the trips you can take to the Broom Closet size bathroom). And a bag of peanuts (glad we didn't have any peanut allergies) and Cheeze Nips to boot.

I LOVE my house! Michael did well--and to all who prayed for him being he picked out the house without me seeing it...not even a picture...not ONE--thanks...your prayers worked, I haven't really HATED anything--yet.

I have a pond in my backyard that I found out today is the home of two baby alligators---nice... Zac can no longer try to catch minnows, that's for sure.

I am not unpacked--of course--and am wishing while crossing my fingers that somehow I can get a 'decorating' budget (not likely)! Yay--and when I say "decorating budget" you know I mean a few hundred bucks to go to The Wal Mart...

Speaking of The Wal Mart.-- my local Wal Mart is in another city...yay..didn't know I was moving to a small town. I figured that out after my first visit to the Winn Dixie--where my mom scored me a "Winn Dixie" discount card. Everyone is VERY nice, way tooo nice---except for the lady who works at the McDonald's up the street from me--who on Sunday evening at 9 o'clock hated her job--and didn't like me much as a customer. I had her HOLD ON A MINUTE until I was ready to order. I had to read the menu just in case it was different from Texas to Florida...

By the way--it's not.

Anyhow...Have found some time to play---We went to the Beach...and to hang a little bit in St. Pete.... We went fishing this morning---and then the kids and I hung at the pool while Michael napped--he's working night shift.

Still feels like I'm on vacation---I'll let you know when it hits me that I'm not! :)

To Foreign Soil

2008-07-12T08:25:00.002-05:00

Okay people---I'm off. Our flight leaves this afternoon and by dinner time I will be a Floridian. I won't return to the Blogging World until sometime next week.

Peace.

Not so much...

2008-07-11T18:40:00.003-05:00

I will be leaving for Florida in less than 24 hours. I would love to say I'm TREMENDOUSLY excited, but no so much--I'm TREMENDOUSLY EXHAUSTED.

Would love to say 'Can't wait to go the beach" but not so much...I have a 4 bedroom house to unpack.

Would love to say I'm so excited that my husband is relaxing at the beach right now but not so much...because I'm still packing and cleaning and taking care of kids.

Would love to say and chat but not so much....if I don't take a nap there will be serious damage to relationships with my children and husband :) .

Not so much...

2008-07-11T18:40:00.001-05:00

Your prayers are working

2008-07-10T13:02:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to thank you for the amazing outpouring of Holy Spirit love to me yesterday. I felt your prayers--and God heard them.

Michael and team are in Apollo Beach right now moving into our house. Yay! We still haven't resolved the issue with our house in San Antonio--but I'm faithing until the last second that they will come to their senses, aka see it my way, and go ahead and let us out of lease and return our deposit.

The actual move was long and excruciating for Michael but they arrived completely safe with not one issue on the road. We still have minor issues to deal with--but everything minor turns quickly into major without serious prayer.

Thank you thank you thank you. I've rested some and the kids are in better spirits today.

Be prepared for the full story of God's miracle move... I am preparing my heart for God's glory in all of this --and am excited that I get to share in that.

much much love ...

Yah--and my mom called and said God gave us a FABULOUS house... can't wait to actually see it!!!!

Yah--I needed to laugh...

2008-07-09T22:55:00.001-05:00

Be afraid people---be very afraid!

Untitled

2008-07-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

Habakukk 1:5 promises, "...be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told."

STILL not through...Imagine that!

2008-07-09T07:27:00.003-05:00

The Isrealites are in front the Red Sea, looking behind them as the enemy quickly approaches... what are the going to do? God provides a way... But what did it feel like about 1/2 way through that dry land, with water split on both sides. Like they still had 1/2 way to go? Was their cup 1/2 full or 1/2 empty? And what did that very last person feel like in the midst of the open waters? "How come everyone else is safe and I'm still trekking through?" "Will I make it?" "Come on God, slow down the enemy, speed up my feet."

So I want to BLOG about all the amazing love we've felt over the last few days, but this is more a prayer request right now. You would think that pretty much we'd have smooth sailing from here on out--but yah--NOT SO MUCH. Still lots of unresolved issues and Michael and I are both exhausted.

Michael, my mom, my younger brother and his dad are in Louisiana right now. We just found out this morning that the realtor never got our lease signed by the owners for our house in Florida. NICE. Additionally, our finances have yet to fall out of the sky--and need to do so by ummmm tomorrow.

We also have not been able to get out of our lease here in San Antonio. We are still fighting with the leasing company... therefore we don't get our security deposit back any time soon--a much needed security deposit.

Michael is exhausted. He postponed his trip by 14 hours to get stuff done that didn't get done on Monday. He began a 24 hour trip on NO SLEEP. He also has a VERY IMPORTANT job interview on Friday morning at 11a ET. It is a teaching job at a college that he wants so desperately right now... It's the whole reason he went back to get his Masters--so he could teach at the collegiate level. This is a GREAT opportunity.

My kids are an emotional, anxious, overwhelmed MESS. Lots of crying and arguing. Last night was HORRIBLE. Zac slammed his hand in the door--it's still swollen. And I won't even begin to mention the plumbing problems at my mom's last night at 11:30 that required me to load up the kids and take them to the store to buy a remedy--after me throwing up (becaus of the plumbing situation) and about 1000 tears because well--I'm exhausted.

My body is definitely feeling the effects of all the moving, the stress and the lack of sleep. Of course my lack of exercise and terrible eating habits right now aren't helping either. The LAST thing I need right now is for me to go into a flare up.

So--please pray.
Safe Travel
Rest
Supernatural Strength
God's intervention in our finances
Protection from this endless attacks
Peace for my children
Peace for me.
Peace for Michael
His job interview
Our house in Florida
Our house in Texas
and so on
and so on
and so on.

Still seeking HIS face, still not as freaked out as I should be--Praise HIM. HE is sovereign. HE is in control.

Thanks for your prayers!